My Journey through depression

     Nothing is so personal as an individuals inner struggle.  Something they feel too ashamed to admit, as if others will think they're a crazy nut.  Depression is a mental illness, and no, people that suffer from it are not crazy.  They are not only struggling to climb a mountain, they also have a mountain chained to their back while they are trying to do it.
   I am not quite totally sure when depression started for me.  I think for me there was a predisposition that life events set into motion.  My mother was depressed, not clinically diagnosed, but she spoke of her high school days as clouded by feelings of depression.  Looking back on my younger days and remembering her sometimes irrational irritability I know it was depression even into her mid life and beyond.  My mom was a wonderful, loving woman, but she struggled as we all do.
   Do I worry about my children being predisposed to depression?  Absolutely, but I trust in a loving God who will tend to his little sheep.  I often ask the Holy Family to fill in the gaps of my mothering and parenting with their love and mercy.  I entrust my children to their Sacred Hearts.  I think the real onset that I can remember, was the death of my father my sophomore year in high school.  I tend to be a stuffer of feelings and a friend of my mother's made the comment that she was worried about me because I didn't cry at my father's funeral, I was oddly emotionless.  Which, I think was my normal reaction to loss, but I never dealt with the loss, never talked about it.  I stuffed everything neatly away, feelings only escaping in my poetry every now and again.  But those feelings were uncomfortable, so stuffed back in they went.  Over the years I have experienced the loss of my parents, one of my siblings, and 4 pregnancies.  But, I'm in a better place now spiritually to be able to deal with all these things.
   I was clinically diagnosed with depression somewhere around my freshman/sophomore year of college.  I was started on anti-depressants and started talking to a counselor.  I really didn't have much luck with counseling because I didn't want to face my inner struggles, they hurt too much.  I was stuck, but at least the anti-depressants enabled me to function and "live" life.  Really for years I floated through life.  It was as if I was watching my own self  through a looking glass go through the mundane, daily routines of life.  I was existing, but not really living.
    A couple of points along the way I decided I didn't need anti-depressants any more and weaned off.  Doing OK for a while, until I had my first child.  That's when Post Partum Depression hit me like a Mack truck.  Of course I didn't realize that's what it was in the beginning.  However, as the baby neared the 9-10 month old mark and started to be more demanding of more than just holding, feeding, and changing, my symptoms increased 10 fold.  I talked to my OB who recognized what I was going through and started me on anti-depressants.  After about a month the fog started to lift and I was functioning again.  I chose Zoloft because that is the safest SSRI to take while breastfeeding.  I honestly think breastfeeding saved my relationship with my son.  I was forced to hold him close, my body was flooded with bonding hormones with all the skin to skin.  I was forced to reach outside of myself for another person.  When I am depressed I want to be left alone, I want to sink inside of myself.  I do not want any demands placed on me, physically, emotionally, or otherwise.  I don't hate life, but feel it's a cumbersome burden to live.  Life becomes suffocating, because you see depression isn't just internal, but it clouds the world around you.  You view the world through depression goggles.  Darkness is all around you, and sometimes there isn't even a glimmer of light.
     My relationship with God was very dry during this period.  I went to mass, sometimes even daily mass, but I felt as disconnected with God as with everything else in my life.  Who ever He was, He wasn't helping me.  It was like He stuck me out in the desert, left with no food or water, miles away from anywhere.  But like with my son I plowed through.  I kept going to mass, went to adoration every so often and when a women's group called Familia started in my parish I signed up.  I think that's the key when you're stuck in the middle of the desert.  To keep going, to plow through.  It's painful, messy, frustrating, and exhausting.  However, you will find the light again if you fight through the darkness.  I started talking to a new counselor.   I didn't feel like doing anything.  Doing the dishes felt like asking me to run a marathon.  Taking a shower felt like asking me to fly to the moon.  So I was asked to make a list.  Start off with one thing.  Yes, I didn't want to do it.  Yes, it would feel like climbing Mt. Everest.  But, I was assured it would gradually get easier.  It did, but even today I have to remind myself, one step, one day at a time.
     My husband through all of this has sometimes been loving, sometimes been impatient, most of the time doesn't understand what's going on with me.  But he's still here, he's stayed by my side.  He doesn't verbalize it, but I know deep down he can tell when I'm having good weeks and bad weeks.  He's learning his perception and mood of me and around me can make or break me.
     During this past and 4th pregnancy, I made the difficult decision to remain on anti-depressants.  I weaned down to the lowest does possible and remain there still 15 months post partum.  I'm still on this journey but I've come along way.  I am striving and feel closer to God than I have in a long time.  I view depression as a suffering.  It's my particular cross to carry.  Suffering isn't always a bad thing.  It transforms you and grows you into the person God meant you to be.  I think the key for me has been to constantly turn toward God and rely on him.  I constantly ask God to shower his graces on me.  I unite my suffering with His suffering on the cross.  Prayers offered up in the midst of suffering are especially powerful.  Every time I feel myself sinking further and further into myself I reach out to help someone else.  I have taken on the personal apostolate of meals for others. In my home educators community there are many meal trees.  This is my way of reaching out beyond myself.  I struggle reaching out beyond myself, especially to my own family.  With many young children clamoring for a piece of me, it is easy to want to shrink away.  To say, don't make demands on me.  Don't ask me to hold you one more time, I'm all touched out.  Don't ask me to get you something to eat, I can't even get it together to get myself a cup of coffee.
     I remind myself, I am serving Christ, I am serving Christ.  To tell myself, I don't want to, but we'll do one thing at a time.  Sometimes I fall, sometimes a lot, but I pick myself up.  That is the one thing I've learned to do.  To pick myself up after I fall, not just lay there in surrender. We all muddle through life struggling with this or that.  We are not called to suffer and wallow and scratch out a meager existence.  We are not to live out our entire lives on the cross.  We are to live for the Resurrection.  Joy without suffering is as meaningless as suffering without joy.  Where I am today, was and still is hard fought.  Some days I struggle to maintain my footing, but I look at the cross and the example there of pure, burning love.  I know then my cross and struggle with depression will lead me to an incredible Resurrection.  Dona Nobis Pacem. 

Homeschooling Through Depression

     Do you suffer or have suffered with Depression?  This is going to be Part 1 of a 3 Part series on homeschooling though depression.  In Part 1, we'll be talking about what depression is, is not, and how it's diagnosed.  In Part 2 I'll talk about my personal journey with depression.  In Part 3 I'll talk about homeschooling through depression and practical ways that can help.  I, myself, have suffered with depression on and off for many years.  If you suffer with depression it can be hard to describe exactly what is going on, on the inside.  If you have a spouse or good friend who suffers from depression it can be difficult to comprehend why it is they feel the way they do.  There can be frustration because of their seeming inability to not be depressed and there will be suffering on your part.  When one member of a family suffers from depression, the entire family is affected in one way or another.
     I think it's important to talk about what depression is and what it is not.  Let's start with what depression is and how it's diagnosed.  Symptoms of depression include:

~Persistent sad or depressed mood, anxious or "empty  feelings
~Loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable, including sex
~Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism, worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day
~Irritability, restlessness, anxiety
~Fatigue and decreased energy
~Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
~Major change in weight (gain or loss of more than 5% of weight within a month) due to 
  overeating, or appetite loss
~Insomnia, waking up during the night, or excessive sleeping

~Physical restlessness or sense of being rundown that is noticeable by others

~Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with
   treatment
~Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt
      
      Sometimes depression can be difficult to diagnose because depression can manifest itself in so many different ways. Depression itself can be a symptom in many medical conditions so it's important to include your doctor and get checked out to make sure there isn't an underlying medical problem. Some people may withdraw and lose interest in many things. Other people may become irritable or even agitated. Eating and sleeping patterns can be out of whack on both ends of the spectrum.  Wanting to sleep all the time or having severe insomnia.  Showing very little interest in eating or eating to excess. 

In order to be diagnosed with depression, you must have at least five of the symptoms listed above with at least one of the first two nearly daily for at least two weeks.

Depression symptoms can last for weeks, months or sometimes even years. The symptoms of depression can affect every facet of a person's life.  It can be difficult for others to understand why you just can't snap out of it.  Depression symptoms can sometimes be so disabling, they can make it very difficult for a person to function in everyday life.  Things people take for granted like showering, eating, getting out of the bed, can feel overwhelming to someone with depression.

Episodes of depression might occur only once in a lifetime or may be recurrent, chronic, or last most of a persons life. Symptoms may appear to be precipitated by stressful life events. At other times, they may seem to occur at random, possibly due to a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Depression can have many different causes.  Genetics, biological, chemical, hormonal, environmental, psychological, and social factors all can contribute to depression.

     What depression is not.  Depression is not a person's fault.  No one chooses to become depressed and stay depressed.  Some individuals may not even realize they are as depressed as they really are.  Often, it's the ones around us who love us, that notice changes in us.  Listen to them.  The most important thing you can do if you are depressed is get help.  Talk to your doctor, priest, sibling, parent, spouse, trusted friend, or counselor.  Don't be embarrassed, and don't wait for the symptoms to just go away on their own.  Depression is treatable.  There are natural treatments such as acupuncture and herbs.  Medication and counseling are a good combination.  Treatment won't look the same for everyone because God had made each of us and our circumstances unique.   

     I suggest watching this short 4 minute video about depression.  It is very expressive of what many with depression go through.  May the peace of Christ be with you on your journey.  

Prayer for those suffering in depression

 O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

By Saint Ignatius of Loyola

    

Easy Meatless Meals for Lent and Fridays Throughout the Year

   

                     Christ in the House of Mary and Martha by Velázquez 1618

    I try to keep it simple on Fridays and mix it up a little every so often.  If your family is picky like mine you might like some of these easy meals.  One thing that never fails for me is breakfast for dinner.  Seriously, who doesn't like some delicious french toast or pancakes.  They are sweet and quick to make.  An added plus, you can make extra and freeze them.  Pop them in the microwave or toaster for a quick homemade breakfast.  If you live at higher elevations I'll list some helpful alterations at the bottom of each recipe that needs them. 

French Toast 

Ingredients:

Texas Toast or Thick Sliced Sour Dough Bread

*Really any bread will do but these are my favorite!

Eggs

*I estimate about 1 egg per slice for the thicker bread slices

Pure Vanilla Extract

*1/2 tsp per 6 eggs

Ground Cinnamon

*1/4 tsp per 6 eggs

   Preheat you griddle or pan on the stove.  I use an electric griddle set to 325 degrees or a pan on the stove set to medium heat.  If you don't have non-stick you'll want to melt a little butter or coconut oil in your pan.  Whisk the eggs with the vanilla and ground cinnamon.  Dip each slice of bread individually in the egg mixture and place on the griddle.  Lift the corner with your spatula after a 2-3 minutes and check to see it's doneness.  If it's browned evenly flip it over cook till done on the other side.  

    These french toast's are sweet enough to eat plain or with syrup.

Pancakes

Ingredients:

Flour 1 1/2 cup

Milk 1 1/2 cup

*Buttermilk optional in a 1:1 ratio with 3/4 cup milk to 3/4 cup    buttermilk

Vegetable Oil 2 tbsp

Eggs 1

Baking Powder 2 tsp

Salt 3/4 tsp

*Fruit optional: Grab some fresh or frozen blueberries.  Pour your batter on the griddle then carefully, so you don't burn yourself, drop a small handful of the blueberries one by one on top of the batter spreading them out evenly.  This way, your pancakes won't turn blue!  Or add whatever fruit your family likes to the top before serving.

   Preheat griddle to 325 degrees.  In a medium sized bowl sift dry ingredients together, then add wet ingredients and mix well.  No you don't need to leave tons of lumps. For smaller pancakes use a 1/4 cup measuring cup to pour or for larger pancakes use a 1/2 cup measuring cup.  Pour batter one measuring cup full at a time and flip with a spatula when you see lots of air bubbles over the top of the pancake.  Cook an additional 2-3 minutes and enjoy.

*High altitude alterations

Add an extra egg and decrease baking powder to 1 tsp

I really enjoy making some traditional favorites that my mother used to make when I was young.

Tuna Fish Casserole

Ingredients:

1 Box Medium Shells pasta   

1 26oz can Cream of Mushroom Soup

2 12oz cans of tuna fish packed in water  

1 tbsp salt

Milk 1/2 cup

   Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Bring a large pot of salted water to boil. Add box of shell pasta and cook till just underdone.  Drain noodles and put in a dutch oven.  Drain the cans of tuna. Mix the cream of mushroom soup, drained tuna, and milk together with the noodles till it's mixed well.  Place the lid on the dutch oven and cook for 1 hour.  Serve with a side of your favorite veggies or a salad, and of course your favorite bread.

Cheddar Broccoli Soup

 

Ingredients:

1/4 cup melted butter
1-2 clove garlic finely minced
1/2 medium onion, chopped
1/4 cup melted butter

2 cups half-and-half cream
3 cups chicken stock 
1/4 cup water
1/3 cup corn starch
1-2 bay leaves
3-4 cups fresh broccoli florets
1 carrot, shredded
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
2 1/2-3 cups grated sharp cheddar cheese(want to mix it up? use half sharp white cheddar and half sharp yellow cheddar)

salt and pepper to taste
    Saute the onion, and garlic in 1/4 cup melted butter. Over medium-low heat, in a large pot whisk together the half and half and chicken stock. Mix the corn starch with water till smooth, add to the pot and stir.  Add the bay leaves and nutmeg and let it simmer for about 20 minutes or until thickened. Add the broccoli and carrots. Let them simmer on medium-low for about 25 minutes or until the broccoli and carrots are tender. Taste the soup, be careful it's hot!  Salt and pepper to taste and add the sharp cheddar cheese. Let the cheese melt and then serve. For a smoother soup puree it in a blender.  Serve with your favorite bread.

There are also some new favorites for me. Not so quick to make, but oh so yummy!

Meatless Zucchini Lasagna

Ingredients:

6 lasagna noodles

1/4 cup chopped Italian parsley

olive oil  

3-4 medium sized zucchini sliced thinly lengthwise
1 jar of your favorite spaghetti sauce
1 egg
1 15oz carton whole milk ricotta cheese
2 cups shredded part skim mozzarella cheese

salt to taste
    Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly drizzle olive oil on a baking sheet and places sliced zucchini in rows on the sheet.  Very lightly salt the zucchini slices.  Roast them for 15 minutes to draw out the juices so it won't make your lasagna mushy.  
  Bring a large pot of water to boil and cook lasagna noodles according to package directions.  In a small bowl combine the egg, parsley and ricotta cheese.  
  Place 1/4 jar of sauce on the bottom of a 13x9 baking dish that has been sprayed with a non stick cooking spray.  Place 3 noodles on top of sauce.  Put half of the ricotta mixture over noodles and spread around evenly.  Place sliced zucchini over the ricotta mixture. Pour 1/4 jar sauce over zucchini and sprinkle with 1 cup of shredded mozzarella.  Repeat the layers.
  Cover with foil and bake for 40 minutes at 375 degrees.  Let stand 10-15 minutes before slicing and serving.

Ratatouille

Ingredients:

1 zucchini, sliced

1 yellow squash, sliced

1 medium yellow onion, sliced into rings

2 cups sliced fresh mushrooms 
*I like using Portabella

1 red bell pepper, sliced

2 large tomatoes, chopped
*Or you can use a handful of yellow cherry tomatoes and a handful of red cherry tomatoes

olive oil

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 tbsp fresh Italian parsley, chopped
1 tbsp fresh basil, chopped

1 eggplant, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
*I am not a fan of eggplant so I usually just cut up an extra yellow squash and zucchini

salt to taste

1 cup grated Parmesan cheese

	Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Coat bottom and sides of a 1 1/2 quart casserole dish with 1 tablespoon olive oil.
	Lightly drizzle olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Saute garlic, onion, bell pepper, and mushrooms until the garlic is lightly browned and the onions are translucent. Mix in parsley, basil, and eggplant. Cook and stir until eggplant is soft, about 10 minutes. Season with salt to taste.
	Spread eggplant mixture evenly across bottom of prepared casserole dish. Sprinkle with a few tablespoons of Parmesan cheese. Spread zucchini in an even layer over top. Lightly salt and sprinkle with a little more cheese. Continue layering in this fashion, with onion, mushrooms, bell pepper, and tomatoes, covering each layer with a sprinkling of salt and cheese.
	Bake for 45 minutes.  Remove the cover of the casserole dish the last 15 minutes of cooking to help evaporate the water that's accumulated on the bottom of the casserole dish.  Serve with your favorite bread. Traditional Russian Borsch Ingredients:  **To make this a meatless meal omit the beef bone, and just start with a pot of boiling water** Large Raw Beef Bone 1-2 cups cabbage, finely shredded 2 medium potatoes, peeled and cut into bite size pieces 2 carrots, shredded 1 medium onion, diced 2 clove garlic, minced 1 large beet, Julienned Small Can tomato paste 2 bay leaves 1 tbsp whole Peppercorns  olive oil Fresh dill    Bring a large covered pot of water to boil, add beef bone, bay leaves, and peppercorns, and simmer for 2 hrs.  Drizzle olive oil in a large skillet and saute onion, garlic, beets, and carrot.  Remove beef bone from boiling water and set aside to cool.  Remove bay leaves and peppercorns from broth.  Add sauteed veggies to pot.  Add tomato paste and mix in well.  Add potatoes and cabbage.  I start with 1 cup and see if I want to add more.  De-bone beef bone and cut meat into small pieces, then add meat to the pot.  Bring pot back to a boil and then simmer, covered for 30 minutes.  Chop up the fresh dill.  Serve soup with a dollop of sour cream and a sprinkle of fresh dill.  Don't forget your favorite bread.      Of course there are dozens of yummy meatless meals, these are just a few of the ones I particularly enjoy.  What are some of yours?

      

  

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Me

     “Any cross would be easy to bear if we could only tailor it to fit ourselves. Our Lord’s cross was not made by Him, but for Him. Crosses and burdens are thrust upon us. Our acceptance makes them personal. Our Lord even said that there would be at least seven crosses a week: ‘Take up your cross daily and follow Me.’ Crosses are of two kinds: pure ones, which come from the outside, such as pain, persecution, and ridicule; and inner, or impure crosses, which come as the result of our sins, such as sadness, despair, and unhappiness. These latter crosses can be avoided. They are made by contradicting the will of God. The vertical bar of the cross stands for God’s will; the horizontal bar stand for our wills. When one crosses the other, we have the cross. Our Lord never promised that we would be without a cross; He only promised that we would never be overcome by it. St. Peter so loved the cross, that when the time came for his execution he asked to be crucified upside down. May He who was found guilty of no other crime than that of the excess of love, make us hate the load of sin that made His cross. The whole cross borne in union with His will and following in His footsteps is easier to bear than the splinters against which we rebel.” Archbishop Fulton Sheen (The Fifteen Mysteries)
      True, Christ said in the Gospel of Matthew " 28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  How often do we struggle to fight against our crosses under our own power?  How often do we feel almost crushed by our burdens? 
      It's not easy to conform our will to God's, yet that is the only way our crosses are made sweet and light to carry.   Twice now I have tried to consecrate myself to the Immaculate Heart of Mary by using 33 Days to Morning Glory.  It seems that as I read through the reflections about our crosses I start to miss days and everything goes by the wayside.  I don't like suffering.  Who does?  I say to myself, "O.K. Lord, I have enough crosses in my life, I really don't need more".  I read how those consecrated to Mary often seem to have more crosses to bare, but that Mother Mary makes those crosses light to carry.  
    It's almost a frightening thought, isn't it?  Human nature will do a number on you if you let it.  Satan, even more so.  I, at least, love comfort.  I don't like conflict, I don't like confrontation, I don't like many things that push me to grow.  Growth hurts, and I don't like to hurt.  As Holy Week rapidly approaches I have been reflecting on what taking up my cross means.  I take up my cross when I get up from the table to get my 4 year old the wet napkin she didn't ask for before I sat down.  I take up my cross when I don't steam up when I have worked to make a hot meal when I was exhausted from the day and my husband comes home and says he's just not hungry and has work to complete instead.  I take up my cross when I wash and fold the laundry for the umteenth time during the week and do it with a joyful heart.  I take up my cross when I sit and read a book to one of my children when really I'd rather be sitting with my eyes closed because I'm tired.  
     When I take up my cross and serve those around me, I am serving Christ himself.  Does that make it easy?  Absolutely not!  I can't tell you the number of times I grumble under my breath, "when do I get to eat a hot meal?.....what you couldn't have asked me for that before I sat down?....isn't that the second outfit you've gotten full of mud and sand today?.....stop it!"  The list could go on, but ya'll know what I'm talking about.  I can't get discouraged though.  Because unlike Jesus, I am only human and not divine.  God know my faults, my root sin that makes me weak and stumble over and over again.  In his mercy he loves me and forgives me.  I entrust myself to his mercy and love, constantly asking for graces along the way.  If I get discouraged and feel stuck there it is because I am trying to fumble through under my own power and not God's.  It is very prideful to do so, and you know what they say pride cometh before.  It's the truth, we all experience falling, often multiple times a day.
     We all go through dark night's of the soul, places where we feel discouraged, abandoned, confused, trapped in a place that, well, just plain sucks.  The solution is to look up, at the image of Christ on the cross.  That is true love.  Doing seemingly small things, but with great love is taking up our cross.  Life isn't easy, but if we look at the bigger picture and give glory to God is the good and in the bad that comes our way we will feel at peace.  Christ is the anchor during the storm, when we fear and ask him to help us, he calms the waters before us.  Christ never promised us there wouldn't be crosses for us to bare, but he did promise he would walk with us through those crosses.  
     I think many of us can't visualize or relate the yolk.  If oxen are placed in an ill fitting yolk they cannot pull their burden well.  It can cut into their shoulders.  If they are placed in yolk well formed to them, they can pull and pull and pull.  They can handle very heavy loads. Christ said his yolk was easy and his burden was light.  This is because he said to his Father, not my will, but thy will be done.  Our Lord knows the needs of our souls better than we do.  Uh yeah, it seems I've gotten pretty deep here.  But, it's good to challenge ourselves to deepen our trust and faith.  

     Sometimes we need to go a little deeper and contemplate the beauty of the cross.  Yes, beauty.  Out of all the blood that was shed and all the mocking, the crowning with thorns, the pain, came everlasting life.   

"Confidence is an absolute requirement if you are to walk with God at the level He desires. In every single circumstance you face, confidence is His legacy to you - that you would grow in trust, faith and joyful dependency." Living The Upgraded Life

Missing My Mother and the Bonds that Never Break

    Yeah, so it's been a few months since writing.  Things have been crazy and hectic and I've found my thoughts drifting back to my mother.  I think I've kept busy to avoid feeling too much the pain of her passing.  It's been 1 year and 3 months since she went home to Christ.  I still miss her terribly.  As with any close relationship we had our ups and downs.  Our unforgettable moments, our disagreements.  No matter what though, my mother always wanted the best for us, did the best she could, and tried to give us so much.  No words can express the hole that has been left in my heart.
    I was at peace with her passing though.  It was beautiful, she was so peaceful.  She was surrounded by her children, in her own home, and even though she appeared comatose, we knew she could hear everything.  I think things were especially difficult for me as I was pregnant and due to deliver by c-section one week after her death.  She had held each of my children, and she would miss holding my 4th baby.  I whispered in my mothers ear on her death bed.  I told her how much I loved her, how much I would miss her and how jealous I was that she would see little Sarah before I would.  I asked her to hug Sarah and kiss her cheek for me.
         My mother did indeed kiss her cheek, just two days after her passing my water broke and I delivered my baby.  Sarah had an extra soul watching out for her, my mother told her it was time to come.  We could have lost her in two ways, her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 5 times, had a true knot in it and was so tight she was born with petechiae on her face.  It was also found that I had a large uterine window, essentially meaning I had started to rupture.  My Ob said I wouldn't have gone another day or two and I would have had a castastophic rupture and seeing as how I live at least 40 minutes by ambulance from the nearest hospital, we would have lost Sarah and possibly my life as well.  My OB and his nurses kept saying how my mother was watching over the baby and me.  I know they were right.  The gift of her life was given again in her death.
    Tears fall, and the lump returns in my throat as I recall all these events.  The pain is still very fresh in my mind, my heart still aches, I can still hear her voice.  Always there, always comforting, always loving.  I don't despair over her passing.  Her last years on this earth were filled with such suffering.  Suffering, and prayer.  She was always close to the Lord, but never more so than her last years on this earth.  The act of her suffering was in and of itself a prayer, I think of the highest order. 
    I wrote a poem in honor of my mother's birthday last year.  I'll share it.

A Mother's Love Always Remains

I knew you as a baby, small, warm, and perfect.
I knew you as a little girl playfully laughing with your sisters picking berries and climbing trees.
I knew you as a young girl watching your father shoe wild mustangs and perfect his art of blacksmithing.
I knew you as you watched your mother run quickly into your home to get away from a black bear who wanted to hoard all the blackberries for his own.
I knew you as a young woman working hard in the fields picking potato's.
I knew you as you skillfully shaped your drill team into champions.
I knew you as your life changed when you married and had children of your own
I knew you then, now, and always because the memories of you precious life live on through me.
What pieces of your heart you remembered to share will never leave me.
You joys, struggles, dreams, sorrows, all remain part of me.
New chapters of life are being written even though you are no longer with us.
The best part of you remains with me.
The best part of your love encourages me.
You reside in my heart always.
A Mother's Love Always Remains.

    Never let a day go by without love.  

“When the time comes and we cannot pray, it is very simple—let Jesus pray in us to the Father in the silence of our hearts. If we cannot speak, He will speak. If we cannot pray, He will pray. So let us give Him our inability and our nothingness.”
—Blessed Teresa of Calcutta