The Trouble with Troubled Marriages

     This is the first article in a 2 part series on the vocational crisis of marriage.  I have thought long and hard about topics, because, let's face it, one could probably write a 12 volume set on marriage and it's deterioration in recent generations.  As Catholics we need to be aware that Satan loves nothing better than dividing and conquering. “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” Saint John Paul II.   I tell you, these were such prophetic words.  What I'm going to talk about in these articles isn't meant to be an in depth analysis on the deterioration of marriage in the western world.  There are some terrific books about that topic and I'll list them at the end of each article.  No, these articles are my heart to each and every one of yours, whether your marriage is terrifically normal or terrifically suffering.  What I'm going to say over the course of the series probably will make some people uncomfortable, and that's good. 

       

     Slander, gossip, and scandal.  Three words that will make any normal person cringe.  Show me a news headline that ends well with any of those words in the title.  Our culture is full of dysfunctional family glorifying junk.  We all know friends who truly have wonderful, loving, God filled marriages with normal conflicts and issues.  We also know people who only appear to have those types of marriages.  Looking from the outside in, they appear to have it all together.  You will see the posts on Facebook and Twitter of their fabulous vacation together,  the pictures tell a story of loving spouses doing things together, sharing time with their children.  I'll tell you right now, there are many faces of sadness behind those posts and behind those pictures.  They are trying to paint a glossy world, to hide their brokenness, but also because the friends, family, and couples around them are uncomfortable with the brokenness too.  Now I'm not talking about people who do slander, gossip, and try to cause scandal for their spouse by airing every detail of their dirty laundry publicly or make humiliating statements about them, with them in the same room.  I'm talking about those who genuinely are suffering.  We can be so afraid that by listening to a friend or couple in a troubled marriage that we are participating in slander, gossip, and scandal.  Or we are afraid they are looking to us to solve their problems, instead of simply listen, pray, support, and guide.  Or, deep down, we worry it could happen to us too.  We always have on our mind that we must take up our cross and follow Christ.  That suffering friend or sibling in a troubled marriage must be like one of the saints and suffer and offer up in silence.  That is just their cross they've been given.  I've never been to Vegas, but there probably is a drive through divorce in the same window as drive the through marriage.  In our throw away, disposable culture, we fear those troubled marriages.  We fear to be there for the people who carry burdens we might never imagine.

      People sometimes don't know what to say or think.  I mean if that person was like that before they got married surely they wouldn't have married them to begin with.  Don't they know the sanctity of marriage?  Haven't they tried studying about what God intended for marriage?  Don't they pray together?  Hey...I heard about that thing called Retrouvaille, that should work or maybe counseling.  I'll just say it.  One of the hardest things in life to do, is to live out a marriage covenant when the marriage is suffering deep trials.  Normal marriage, kids, work, and family life are hard enough to juggle on their own.  Great time and love and care must be invested into those relationships for them to thrive.  When you add an ailing marriage into the mix, the results can be devastating.  Men and women who are in hurting marriages, their daily life truly is a daily cross, even so, many seek to live out their marriage to the best of their ability.  Yet sadly, there is so little support to do so if their are serious problems.  Look around at the people who attend church with you next time you're at mass.  There are marriages suffering infidelity, alcoholism, narcissism, talk of separation, talk of divorce,  serious family of origin troubles, machismo, misogyny, and the list goes on.  You'll look and you might not even be able to pick them out.
     It makes us uncomfortable, to talk about those things. I support life.  I am Pro-Life, at all stages and ages.  We often forget that being Pro-Life is also about being pro life giving.  We need to be life giving, loving, and nurturing to those men and women around us who do suffer, who pick up their cross daily and follow Christ, and that cross is their marriage.  In an ideal world each spouse dies to self(their cross) for the service to the other out of love and respect.  In truly troubled marriages, this doesn't happen.  If you can imagine trying to be the spouse who dies to self daily and does not receive in return.  It is emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally exhausting.  You can be that fill for them.  You can bring the light and face of Christ into their darkness.  Don't be afraid of it, ask God how He can use you as an instrument of hope, light, and healing in their life.  "Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me."  Matthew 25:40  We were not meant to walk the paths of this earth alone.  We were made for love, and to live in love we must be in community. God will never be outdone in generosity.  What you give to others will be given back to you, and then some.      
      "For there are three ways of performing an act of mercy: the merciful word, by forgiving and by comforting; secondly, if you can offer no word, then pray - that too is mercy; and thirdly, deeds of mercy. And when the Last Day comes, we shall be judged from this, and on this basis we shall receive the eternal verdict."
--Saint Faustina Kowalska 

             

~What a dog can teach you about life, suffering, and love~

 

Toby

     When I was younger, every time I had cause to visit the mall, I'd stop by Pet City to look at the animals.  I love animals and for most of my childhood pretended to be the Vet that nursed all my sick toy animals back to heath.  We always had dogs, cats, and the odd animal at our house when I was growing up.  On one particular visit to the mall, I saw the cutest puppy.  He had such long legs and his coat looked as if someone accidentally spattered him with a paint gun.  So cute, but I was just looking, not buying.  Three weeks later and he was still there, I couldn't resist.  The blue ticked puppy with long legs and head that felt like bunny fur came home with me.  Yup, I had Toby longer than I've been married.  

     Today I had to bring my beloved Toby to the veterinarian to be put down.  His hips caused him a great deal of pain and he wasn't hardly eating anymore.  He either hid away from the family or paced around the house whining.  It....it was just time to let him go.   We brought him to his rest today, the kids and I.  As the sedation took effect and he started to drift off to sleep, Toby let out an audible sigh.  The first pain free rest he's had in a long time.  I knew then in my heart this was the right thing.  I stroked his soft, warm fur for the last time.  The real heart break was watching as my little Sarah wrapped her arms around his neck, in a warm baby embrace, as he slept.  I couldn't bear to stay for the actual euthanasia injection so I shuffled everyone out the side door.  I mean, they have a side door so none of the other pet owners get freaked out at the sight of a blubbering woman.  

His empty bed is the hardest to see

     I've been reflecting today why this loss is so hard for me.  I mean, he's just a dog right?  Why on earth should I be in tears through the course of the day over a dog.  Never mind he was in my life for over a decade, a comfortable, familiar fixture in my life.  I think above all else, pets can teach you to value life in a way that everyone gets.  Dogs in particular live to serve and they give without expecting more in return than a pat on the head and a comfortable place by your feet.  They get up the next day and do it again without resentment.  Isn't that how Christ called us to live?  To love, give, and serve without counting the cost, without expectations?  Doing the ordinary with extraordinary love.  Dogs of course can't reason to love in the human sense, but they are loyal beyond comprehension.  They have been known to lay down their life for their owner.  We as the stewards of creation and everything in it, should not take life lightly.  God never breathed the breath of life into animals, only for man was the privilege of a soul held.  That is why it's an act of mercy to end the suffering of an animal, because their suffering isn't salvific in nature. The taking of their life, even in mercy, is a thing to behold.  It fills you with a sure sense that there surely is a God greater than you that authored all life on this earth.

     Dogs can teach us to live in the present.  So often, people are stuck living in the past or worrying over the distant future.  Dogs don't think of yesterday's sorrows, and they don't worry themselves sick over a future they can't control.  They don't hold grudges and all they know is now.  How many time are we not fully present in the moment.  Fully present to our children, our spouses, even to God.  Distracted and multi-tasking ourselves into an early grave.  Be present and mindful of the day, and heed well Christ's words in Matthew, chapter 6, "25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?^o 27Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? 28Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. 29But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. 30 If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ 32All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. 34Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

     No matter how much physical suffering he endured, Toby carried on and lived his life to the fullest of his ability.  It's so easy for us to get sucked into the self defeating why me, why this, when will it be different attitude.  In life, you either learn to surf the waves,  or you'll get caught in the undertow and drown.  Suffering finds all of us, we can either choose to drag ourselves through it alone, or we can choose to be carried by Christ through it.  Never let a day go by without uniting your suffering to Christ's suffering on the cross.  Never let a day go by that you don't show those you cherish most just how much they mean to you.  Live life, live it with style.  Wear your heart of your sleeve and wear a smile on your face.  Life is beautiful, and to be cherished especially amidst suffering.  I'll miss you my Toby dog.  As much as for the reflection of what your short life has shown me, but most especially for your constant, enduring, loving companionship.