This is Part II of the series about the vocational crisis of marriage. I have been working on this one for a while because this subject is so deeply embedded into my heart and very personal to me. I think it is important to say that this article is about giving a voice to the countless men and women who fight the cultural tide to keep their family together despite serious problems and deepen their faith in a time where divorce for simply being "incompatible" is en vogue. Being a spouse in a hurting marriage can often be a very isolating and dismissing experience. It is sometimes very difficult for others to realize the depth of suffering some couples may be experiencing. I think, as crazy as it sounds, healthy marriages and hurting marriages each have a very unique role in salvation. For all of you who have healthy marriages, keep doing what you're doing. You're a model for marriage as God intended it to be. You show, most eloquently that, "the indissolubility of marriage flows in the first place from the very essence of that gift(of self): the gift of one person to another person." JPII Letter to families You model Christ's love for his church. For all of you in hurting marriages, you also have a special role in salvation. You model what it means to take up your cross and follow Christ lovingly modeling him daily. You are living proof that God can and does bring good out the darkest hurts. You, more so than most, know what the marriage covenant means, how important it is, and you're fighting with all you have to keep it. You have the unique opportunity to cooperate with God in the conversion of your spouse. We all have a unique path to holiness, but the hurts are real, so lets keep moving forward.
I'm sorry, I had to do it, the title was a wee bit charged. Did I get your hopes up only to dash them? Yes, I'm a big stinker. The fact of the matter is, you cannot change your spouse. In marriage, but especially in a hurting marriage we might be desperate for our spouse to change. We go through our if only list. You know the one I'm talking about. If only they would help out around the house, I do it all alone. Then I would feel valued. If only they would work less, and be present to this family. I wouldn't feel so lonely and dismissed. If only they would not speak to me that way, I am not a child. I would feel respected. If only they would control their spending, I don't even have enough to buy food this week. I wouldn't be so stressed out and feel powerless. Our if only lists could be a foot long if you let them. Now, do not misunderstand me. Especially in hurting marriages there can be serious problems that need to be dealt with. There can be monumental changes that need to occur for healing to take place. All of those if only lists are real, legitimate problems that will erode away at a marriage over time. Never mind the deeper problems of infidelity, addictions, abuse, narcissism, mental illness, pornography and the like. What in the world can a spouse do to help their hurting marriage?
You must realize, however difficult, that the change that needs to occur is with you. When you make healthy changes and the dynamics of your marriage change, your spouse will have one of three choices to make. They will either realize what is at stake and make healthier changes in the relationship, resist and fight it tooth and nail but ultimately change, or sadly they may jump ship. Keep in mind, change is not a one stop shop. We're all on a continuum of change over the course of our life so we must be gentle and forgiving, most especially of ourselves. No matter who we are, we all struggle and sometimes have difficult roads to travel. God bless you on your journey!
Prayer!
Yes, prayer should always be our first resort, not our last. I will admit, one of the hardest things for me to do when I'm suffering in any deep way is to pray. When you're broken, Satan wants you to believe nothing will help. To pray unselfishly when we're hurting is hard. Really hard. When the pain is deep, God as a loving Father is calling us near to him. If we can't hear that call it is because we are blocking out His voice. Just anger can turn to bitterness, impatience at our situation can cause us to doubt we are heard and feel hopeless. A person I know, was in a hurting marriage, with very serious problems, for many years. She prayed, sacrificed, and offered up for 23 years. One night as she was in adoration she cried out to God that she had wasted the last 23 years of her life in unimaginable hurt and chaos, why wasn't anything changing. She was ready to give up. She told me in the deepest core of her soul she heard God speaking to her. He told her, not to despair, this amount of time was what was needed for her husband's conversion and healing. Her husband indeed came around, and eventually there was healing. If you're in a hurting marriage it can feel hopeless. You pray and offer up and sacrifice only to be let down again and again. It is important to remember that God has greater knowledge than we ever will. All your tears, sufferings, offerings, and prayers are providing God with graces to direct toward your spouse and their healing and conversion. Never underestimate what effect the smallest sacrifice has on your marriage. Your prayers have held back tides that otherwise would have washed over you and your children.
Frequent reception of communion, confession, and adoration are going to be the most powerful tools in your kit of healing. Pride can also prevent us from asking others to pray for us. Pride is a powerful barrier to grace.
Action!
Life happens. The good, bad, and the ugly happens. We can either drift and try to muddle through under our own limited power or we can pray and deepen our faith and let God gently hold our hands and guide us through the storm. One very important thing to remember, your prayer is not about results. What?!? I thought I was praying and offering so that my spouse would change and our marriage would be healed. Yes! You are right, but, whether your spouse stays or leaves. Whether they change or remain the same, there is one person your prayers are changing. That person is you. God is transforming you with the graces you need to deal with your particular situation. God is drawing you near to his Sacred Heart, and you are allowing him to battle for you and work in your soul. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed." Psalm 34:19
Action!
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you
can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving
forward.”Martin Luther King Jr.
When you're in a hurting marriage and you feel stuck, one of the most important things you can do is pry yourself loose and move forward. Despair and hopelessness are the enemies of healing and forgiveness. Find a spiritual director, a good Catholic counselor, your parish priest, a 12 step program, whatever your circumstance there is hope and healing waiting for you to be open and willing to partake of it. That does not mean there won't be plenty of hurts along the way. You are the source of change in your marriage. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to be ready for it, but when you are make sure you ask for God's guidance and graces. Some resources include Retrouvaille, Marital Healing, and Al-Anon Families. The source of all love and happiness is God. I know. It is terribly difficult though, when the one to whom you've promised to share your life with acts so unlovingly. You can feel alone and unloved, that is why it is also important to surround yourself with people who will lift you up.
Just a disclaimer, if you have ever been the victim of physical abuse, it is not wrong or sinful to remove yourself or your children from the abusive situation. God does not ever want any of his precious children to stay in a situation that threatens their life or health. Acting to end the abuse does not end the marriage promises.
Me?
Hi, yes, I'm talking about me. Nope I'm not going to give any juicy tid bits on my marital life. Yes, a hurting marriage is part of who I am. I have developed an empathy that I probably would not have had, had it not been part of who I am. It has altered my perspective on life and spirituality. It has deepened and tested my faith in ways that have brought me closer to God. I have said to myself on many an occasion, "I don't want to be Saint Monica, I don't want it Lord, I'm not strong enough". God is OK with small steps, even if we fall backwards sometimes. As long as we keep moving toward him and his will. You know what, I am not strong enough. On my own, I am weak and wishy washy. It is only through bolstering myself in God's grace that I can stand fast against the storm. It is only by trying to imitate Christ that I can see my spouse through His eyes, and love him as Christ loves him. Truly, believe me when I say that, that simple fact has been a very hard lesson learned. To see through the lense of Christ is something that takes time, but it is necessary. Without viewing others through the lense of Christ, Immaculee llibagiza would never have been able to forgive those who murdered her family in the Rwandan holocost. The best thing a person can do for someone in a hurting marriage is to pray from them daily, even if it's something as simple as, Lord walk with so and so today. Call them up, offer them a cup of coffee, and shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, God asks you to be His light in their darkness, not to solve their problems, but simply to listen and allow them to be heard. I do love my spouse, incredibly so. With spectacular love, can come spectacular pain, just ask Christ.
When you're in a hurting marriage and you feel stuck, one of the most important things you can do is pry yourself loose and move forward. Despair and hopelessness are the enemies of healing and forgiveness. Find a spiritual director, a good Catholic counselor, your parish priest, a 12 step program, whatever your circumstance there is hope and healing waiting for you to be open and willing to partake of it. That does not mean there won't be plenty of hurts along the way. You are the source of change in your marriage. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to be ready for it, but when you are make sure you ask for God's guidance and graces. Some resources include Retrouvaille, Marital Healing, and Al-Anon Families. The source of all love and happiness is God. I know. It is terribly difficult though, when the one to whom you've promised to share your life with acts so unlovingly. You can feel alone and unloved, that is why it is also important to surround yourself with people who will lift you up.
Just a disclaimer, if you have ever been the victim of physical abuse, it is not wrong or sinful to remove yourself or your children from the abusive situation. God does not ever want any of his precious children to stay in a situation that threatens their life or health. Acting to end the abuse does not end the marriage promises.
Me?
Hi, yes, I'm talking about me. Nope I'm not going to give any juicy tid bits on my marital life. Yes, a hurting marriage is part of who I am. I have developed an empathy that I probably would not have had, had it not been part of who I am. It has altered my perspective on life and spirituality. It has deepened and tested my faith in ways that have brought me closer to God. I have said to myself on many an occasion, "I don't want to be Saint Monica, I don't want it Lord, I'm not strong enough". God is OK with small steps, even if we fall backwards sometimes. As long as we keep moving toward him and his will. You know what, I am not strong enough. On my own, I am weak and wishy washy. It is only through bolstering myself in God's grace that I can stand fast against the storm. It is only by trying to imitate Christ that I can see my spouse through His eyes, and love him as Christ loves him. Truly, believe me when I say that, that simple fact has been a very hard lesson learned. To see through the lense of Christ is something that takes time, but it is necessary. Without viewing others through the lense of Christ, Immaculee llibagiza would never have been able to forgive those who murdered her family in the Rwandan holocost. The best thing a person can do for someone in a hurting marriage is to pray from them daily, even if it's something as simple as, Lord walk with so and so today. Call them up, offer them a cup of coffee, and shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, God asks you to be His light in their darkness, not to solve their problems, but simply to listen and allow them to be heard. I do love my spouse, incredibly so. With spectacular love, can come spectacular pain, just ask Christ.
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