When someone you love is in a hurting marriage

     An uncomfortable topic isn't it.  It can be very charged and even bring up feelings you have experienced over the course of your own married life.  Who doesn't know someone in a hurting marriage?  I think we all do, have experienced, or may be currently experiencing one ourselves.  Oh my gosh, to be the friend, or sibling, or parent of a man or woman in a hurting marriage can just about make your heart bleed.  What are you supposed to do?  People in a hurting marriage aren't just experiencing run of the mill marriage arguments or issues.  There can be serious issues at play.  Affairs of the heart, physical infidelity, lies, deception, emotional abuse, financial abuse, or physical abuse, mental illness, drug abuse, alcoholism, rejection, abandonment, the list could go on.  As a friend, sibling, or parent how can we help?

Prayer

     First thing on the list absolutely is prayer.  Pray for them as a couple and encourage them to pray together.  Let them know you are praying for them and asking others to pray for them.  Flooding a couple with graces and lifting them up in prayer brings the light of Christ into their darkness.  When they are hurting, you can be guaranteed the first thing to go is their prayer life.  They may still attend church and put up a false sense of closeness to God.  The reality couldn't be further from the truth.  They are stuck in a place of darkness and desolation.  They are far away from the God who loves them and wants them to be whole.  We are all broken people, only God can make us whole.  Encourage them to go to confession weekly.  We can be the master deceivers and the first people we often lie to is ourselves.  When we are forced to examine our conscience, God brings to light that which we seek to hide.  Encourage each spouse to go to weekly confession at least.  Attend mass as often as possible.  We become what we love.  If we love Christ, no matter how far away from him we are, we will always seek him out.  The Eucharist is the source of all life in us.  Receiving Him in the Eucharist fills us full to overflowing.  Encourage frequent reception of communion in the sacrifice of the Holy Mass.  Adoration.  We are so lucky as to have Christ present to us in such a real way.  We need do nothing more than sit in his loving presence.  Not so much to speak, but as to listen to Him.  The couple should be encouraged to attend adoration together weekly.  God has joined them together, praying together in His presence is very powerful.  Daily prayer.  Encourage each of them to pray for each other even if it's as simple as "Lord, I can't love my spouse right now, please Jesus, love them through me", or "Please Lord walk with my spouse today and guide their thoughts, words, and actions".  Encouraging mutual prayer encourages mutual love and self sacrifice.  They are literally loving their enemy.  

Do Not Take Sides

     This is probably the hardest thing you can possibly do.  When someone you love is being hurt the bear in you comes out and you want to squash the other person doing the hurting.  You have to remember though, there are two people in that marriage, and both of those people are responsible for the hurt and the mess.  Each to a greater or lesser degree.  It doesn't really matter.  When you pick sides, you are throwing gasoline on an already volatile situation.  There are flip sides to every coin and we have no way of knowing fully what goes on behind closed doors.  All we are privy to is what we're told.  Let me tell you, when a married couple is hurting, they will dog out their spouse to unload the hurt they can't hold in any longer.  We want to be there to help, and commiserate.  Which is wonderful.  However, we have to be very careful not to spouse bash, start a witch hunt, or add anger and hurt to an already angry and hurtful situation.    It is ok to address wrong action or wrong thought when we see it in both parties.  It must be done in a way that fosters a spirit of love, communication, and healing.  Remember, as a married couple it will always be easier for them to forgive each other and forget past hurts, it will not be so easy for you because you don't have the God given grace of their marriage covenant.  You must love each hurting person, or excuse yourself from the situation.  The only person that should be in the middle of their marriage is God, not you.  

Do Not Encourage Separation

     When a couple separates, reconciliation is much less likely to happen.  When a couple is separated all that happens is that they bark at one another from afar.  They don't have to take responsibility for their issues.  When there are children involved they are the ones who get hurt the most. Wondering what they could have done to drive their mother or father away.  Wondering why they aren't loved anymore.  No matter how messy it is, parents who stay as one flesh model that each of them is worth it and their family is worth it.  They model that no matter how rough life gets, if we pull together and toward God and healing, we will experience new life and beautiful healing.  Encouraging a couple to pull apart is divisive and no matter how well meaning, will always have disastrous consequences.  We must always prayerfully discern how God wants to use us.

Tell them to seek help

     Sometimes the problems in a marriage are far beyond any advice we could and should give.  There are numerous resources to help a hurting marriage.  Retrouvaille, www.thealexanderhouse.org,    a priest, spiritual director, couples counseling by a therapist who is pro-marriage.  Remember, there are two people in a marriage.  Each of them are hurting and have also hurt the other.  Yes, sometimes I fancy myself an armchair psychologist, but when you're dealing with a marriage, sometimes the best thing you can do is say"I am so sorry you're hurting, I'm praying for you, I'm hear to listen to you, but I'm not the best person to help you right now, here are some resources for you."

     So here is my disclaimer.  If the person you love is being abused, God does not want one of his precious children's body or health to be destroyed.  There are many types of abuse and they are all equally insidious. You can and should encourage them to separate from their abusive spouse with the hope of healing and reconciliation one day.  The decision however is up to them. You never want to put a person in a situation where they feel they can't come to you because for whatever reason they choose to stay.  The best thing I can say is to look at the prayer of St. Francis.  Ask yourself if you are sowing these virtues in that hurting couples marriage?  God Bless you on this journey.