Depression and chronic pain. Sometimes you'll see it written on my face, sometimes you won't. Most often not. Not because I am especially strong. In fact, I'm pretty wimpy. Wimpy and whiny. Without even realizing it, I'm living God's will in my life, at this moment. Don't ask me what plans he has, certainly they were not mine. I don't fight the pain much anymore. It ebbs and flows and I ebb and flow with it. I used to fight the pain. That tendency is still there. The tendency to give up hope. To fight the pain as I turn round and round in my head asking myself why is this happening? The tendency to give nothing of yourself because what little you have you guard like a thief. I HATE, and I mean HATE when I hear people say, "well who am I to judge or who are we to judge". Moral relativism, what I think is right and true for me is, there is no objective truth, only the subjective reality of my own hearts desires, fears, pleasures.
A rose is so beautiful. A rose though, has thorns, and those thorns can cause pain if they prick the skin. But, if we want the rose, we have to take the flower with the thorns, the beauty with the pain. Yes, I'm aware it seems like a cavalier attitude. It is an attitude forged in the fire. Tempered by constant heating and cooling. A person with a chronic illness, or a terminal illness, or a mental illness is suffering. Mentally, physically, emotionally suffering. Sometimes terrifically so. If we aren't careful we can start to identify ourselves as our illness. When we identify ourselves as our illness all we see is fear. We need all remember that what illness a person is suffering from is an it, a thing, it is not that person.
It is a beast that will consume not just your body but your soul if we
let it. “Suffering can bend and break us. But it can also
break us open to become the persons God intended us to be. It depends
on what we do with the pain. If we offer it back to God, he will use it
to do great things in us and through us, because suffering is fertile.”
Charles Chaput
As crazy as it sounds. Suffering is the very fertile ground needed for love and hope to grow. The definition of Hope is to expect with confidence. What do we expect? I expect in my nothingness that God's fullness is shown. I know the world looks different for those who don't have Christ at their center. I know it, and it saddens me. A person devoid of hope has no joy. No one wants to suffer. No one goes looking for it. No one wants to see someone they love suffer. Ever. That suffering calls at you though doesn't it. It begs you to call them and comfort them. It begs you to sit by their bedside and try to ease their pain. It begs you to stretch your heart more than you would if everything was ok. It begs your prayers for them and their family, showering them with graces that wouldn't be there otherwise. It begs you to serve the other. It compels you. That is the value in suffering. If compels you to serve Christ by serving the one you love. When we suffer we participate in the salvation of those around us. Christ saved us by giving meaning to suffering. It's an exercise in trust, and love in our Creator to offer that suffering for others. For God's grace to flow through our pain.
That is the essence of hope, and that is what is missing when there is an absence of it.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
People are Basically Good and the World is Basically Safe.....Except when they aren't
No matter what is going on in the world or what jerks or crazies are out there, I really and truly believe people are basically good and the world is basically a safe, wonderful place to be. Except when it isn't. Sometimes people have bad intentions or are downright evil. Sometimes the world around us is safe and beautiful and we are perfectly at ease. Sometimes, even places you think should be safe can hold untold danger. No matter what, we can't live in a bubble or in a perpetual state of fear.
Fear is such a primal state. It serves a purpose by causing a fight or flight response. Fear, however, is not a place we're meant to live. Mostly because it is such a powerful emotion. Fear involves not only the now, but the what if's of the future. It denies there is hope, and goodness. Recently, my family experienced a trauma. As a parent, we wear our hearts on the outside of our bodies in the funny little shapes of our children. When something happens, it is not as if it is happening to us, it is happening to us. They are flesh of our flesh.
It was one of those parenting moments when one of our children moves out of eyesight for truly what is a split second. We call their name, no response. We rapidly turn our heads like an owl, only not to see them. We think we must know where they've gone, but when we look there, our hearts pound when they are not in sight. Panic sets in. A crazy mix of fear and anger start to take hold the more frantic you become. Did you know that 800,000 children go missing per year? Have you ever glanced at the flyers on your way out of Walmart? This girl, gone missing at 2, this is what she'd look like today, 10 years later. You think how horrible it must be for that family, as you look at your own child and continue your way out the door.
Well, it happened to me. Don't worry, there's a happy ending. Hand in hand the man who had our child walked. He walked into a back deserted parking lot at a local festival. Already a good way into the lot, my husband caught up with him and laid him out. He saved our precious child. A child young enough to not know what was awaiting them. Me, old enough to know what was going to happen. "I promise you won't get hurt if you don't tell on me", echoed out of my baby's mouth, in a tiny voice, that just didn't get the heavy weight of those words. Home. Getting back home, with our children, into safety, was all I could think about. You know, and maybe lock the doors because I had already lost one of them once that day. To control the bits and pieces of life around me in some vain attempt to stop this out of control feeling. Sleep. I needed sleep.
The next day I woke feeling as if I had been hit by a truck. The flu? No, I didn't have a fever. One of my fibromyalgia flare ups? No. I realized as I sat in bed, it was fear trapped in my body. Fear had served its purpose, but I wasn't letting it go. The fear of having almost lost my child had served its purpose, but the fear was poisoning my body now. Have you ever had daymares. Where you are daydreaming, but it is all bad, just really bad. The daymare where I was called into the morgue to identify my child. Yes, I have a degree is stress, with a minor in wallowing in it, and am working hard on my masters in the worst what if's possible.
You know, there is always reason to hope. I did not lose my child, but if I had, I would have had to celebrate their short life. Thankful that I had the honor of being their mother. Mostly importantly because each and every one of us is unique and had a very special purpose on this earth. The world would be so very different if you or I didn't exist. I've experienced a lot of death in my life. Enough, that I should be spiraled down into a despair so deep not even God could release me. We humans are resilient. Remarkably so. We have that spark of divine life in us. We have the cross, but we also have the resurrection. To know, that no matter how dark the night, there is the coming dawn. It's ok. I can bare pain, all types of pain, and still be ok. I can trust that God can and does bring good out of the worst most horrific situation.
I can. I can trust. I can trust God. I can trust that God loves me as his own precious child. He hurts when I hurt. He sheds tears when I shed tears. Oh the tears I shed! We must love, cherish, appreciate, and experience. The good and the bad. We must not fear the bad. We must not fear that the bottom will drop out of our goodness. This life of ours is about seasons and changes. The reality is that this life is sometimes hard, heartless, painful and cruel. The purpose of this life is to live. Live hope, live love, live to give comfort, live as Christ in this world. In light of the cross, suffering makes sense, without it suffering is overwhelming and something to fear. We can't choose the things that happen to us, but we can choose how we react to them.
In that moment when I was sitting on the bed I chose to not let the fear of losing my child rule over me. We could go crazy asking why. Why is this happening? Sometimes we have to choose to say I don't understand, there is no sense to this, then keep moving forward, even amidst the fear. Jesus I Trust in You. I trust. I trust. And it's true. No matter what, I really believe that people are basically good and well meaning. This world really is a beautiful place to live. I'm not going to miss all the goodness and love in this world by giving pain and suffering their improper due.
I believe, because I know the world is full of people like me, and the people that aren't are aberrations. I'm not a fool, I know things could have turned out differently. What I am in is not a state of denial. Why some children have to suffer that fate and mine didn't is difficult to wrap my head around. Even as the next day came and we headed out into the world, I knew it would be ok. I'm not glad this happened, who would be. However, I do know we'll all come out stronger on the other side, no matter what the outcome would have been. We're still suffering lingering effects of that day, but we will heal from them. We will heal, and we will continue living this beautiful life.
Fear is such a primal state. It serves a purpose by causing a fight or flight response. Fear, however, is not a place we're meant to live. Mostly because it is such a powerful emotion. Fear involves not only the now, but the what if's of the future. It denies there is hope, and goodness. Recently, my family experienced a trauma. As a parent, we wear our hearts on the outside of our bodies in the funny little shapes of our children. When something happens, it is not as if it is happening to us, it is happening to us. They are flesh of our flesh.
It was one of those parenting moments when one of our children moves out of eyesight for truly what is a split second. We call their name, no response. We rapidly turn our heads like an owl, only not to see them. We think we must know where they've gone, but when we look there, our hearts pound when they are not in sight. Panic sets in. A crazy mix of fear and anger start to take hold the more frantic you become. Did you know that 800,000 children go missing per year? Have you ever glanced at the flyers on your way out of Walmart? This girl, gone missing at 2, this is what she'd look like today, 10 years later. You think how horrible it must be for that family, as you look at your own child and continue your way out the door.
Well, it happened to me. Don't worry, there's a happy ending. Hand in hand the man who had our child walked. He walked into a back deserted parking lot at a local festival. Already a good way into the lot, my husband caught up with him and laid him out. He saved our precious child. A child young enough to not know what was awaiting them. Me, old enough to know what was going to happen. "I promise you won't get hurt if you don't tell on me", echoed out of my baby's mouth, in a tiny voice, that just didn't get the heavy weight of those words. Home. Getting back home, with our children, into safety, was all I could think about. You know, and maybe lock the doors because I had already lost one of them once that day. To control the bits and pieces of life around me in some vain attempt to stop this out of control feeling. Sleep. I needed sleep.
The next day I woke feeling as if I had been hit by a truck. The flu? No, I didn't have a fever. One of my fibromyalgia flare ups? No. I realized as I sat in bed, it was fear trapped in my body. Fear had served its purpose, but I wasn't letting it go. The fear of having almost lost my child had served its purpose, but the fear was poisoning my body now. Have you ever had daymares. Where you are daydreaming, but it is all bad, just really bad. The daymare where I was called into the morgue to identify my child. Yes, I have a degree is stress, with a minor in wallowing in it, and am working hard on my masters in the worst what if's possible.
You know, there is always reason to hope. I did not lose my child, but if I had, I would have had to celebrate their short life. Thankful that I had the honor of being their mother. Mostly importantly because each and every one of us is unique and had a very special purpose on this earth. The world would be so very different if you or I didn't exist. I've experienced a lot of death in my life. Enough, that I should be spiraled down into a despair so deep not even God could release me. We humans are resilient. Remarkably so. We have that spark of divine life in us. We have the cross, but we also have the resurrection. To know, that no matter how dark the night, there is the coming dawn. It's ok. I can bare pain, all types of pain, and still be ok. I can trust that God can and does bring good out of the worst most horrific situation.
I can. I can trust. I can trust God. I can trust that God loves me as his own precious child. He hurts when I hurt. He sheds tears when I shed tears. Oh the tears I shed! We must love, cherish, appreciate, and experience. The good and the bad. We must not fear the bad. We must not fear that the bottom will drop out of our goodness. This life of ours is about seasons and changes. The reality is that this life is sometimes hard, heartless, painful and cruel. The purpose of this life is to live. Live hope, live love, live to give comfort, live as Christ in this world. In light of the cross, suffering makes sense, without it suffering is overwhelming and something to fear. We can't choose the things that happen to us, but we can choose how we react to them.
In that moment when I was sitting on the bed I chose to not let the fear of losing my child rule over me. We could go crazy asking why. Why is this happening? Sometimes we have to choose to say I don't understand, there is no sense to this, then keep moving forward, even amidst the fear. Jesus I Trust in You. I trust. I trust. And it's true. No matter what, I really believe that people are basically good and well meaning. This world really is a beautiful place to live. I'm not going to miss all the goodness and love in this world by giving pain and suffering their improper due.
I believe, because I know the world is full of people like me, and the people that aren't are aberrations. I'm not a fool, I know things could have turned out differently. What I am in is not a state of denial. Why some children have to suffer that fate and mine didn't is difficult to wrap my head around. Even as the next day came and we headed out into the world, I knew it would be ok. I'm not glad this happened, who would be. However, I do know we'll all come out stronger on the other side, no matter what the outcome would have been. We're still suffering lingering effects of that day, but we will heal from them. We will heal, and we will continue living this beautiful life.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
The Abscence of Leisure
I must admit, I am very much entertained by a new genre of t.v. shows coming out in droves lately. Mountain Men, Live Free or Die, Alaskan Bush People, Alaska The Last Frontier, The Legend of Mick Dodge, and, well, there are so many of them. O.k., probably mostly because most of the people seem a little kooky and eccentric. I wonder just how that guy can live in a hut constructed out of sticks and leaves. Got squirrel? Uh, no thank you. A little elk or venison is about as adventurous and I like to get. What the heck drives people to a way of life the complete opposite as we now find ourselves in this age of electronics and innovation? While I don't think I could forgo electricity and indoor plumbing, something also appeals to me about subsistence living. Something deep yet simple.
It really is a simple life, not an easy one, but a simple life. I kind of envy that. If I could live in a space where I could have a large garden, some fruit trees, and some chickens, I'd be happy as a clam. All the people of these shows have the same thing in common. A life of "leisure". Can a person exist and experience the fullness of human existence without leisure? I honestly don't think so. I am as guilty of it as the next person. Can I just have coffee in the morning and look out the window and just be? Heavens no! I must be checking my email, while coordinating my calendar which is full to overflowing with good things, while I hush gabby children clamoring for attention. Reassuring them that I am almost done if they could just give me five more minutes of peace. Peace, ha! I think the kids have the right idea some times, pulling me away from myself to a place of presence in the here and now. Away from distraction.
Whether all those people on all those shows even believe in God or not, I think they may be more attuned to God than they realize. Appreciating the beauty of his creation so intimately. being present in the here and now. I think the hardest place to be is alone. Alone without distraction and without direction. To be and exist in a place of stillness, quiet, and real reflection. They call it harmony with nature, but I think in a real way, whether they realize it or not, it's harmony with God.
We all read articles about the importance of unplugging, and we may even try it for an extended period every now and again. I think it's important to make it a daily experience. So in that spirit I leave you, and I think I'm going to take my own advice and head out with the kiddos into some nature and a little leisurely quiet.. Maybe we're not all as good at "listening" as we like to think.........and maybe we need to start trying to get that leisure back into out lives a little bit each day.
It really is a simple life, not an easy one, but a simple life. I kind of envy that. If I could live in a space where I could have a large garden, some fruit trees, and some chickens, I'd be happy as a clam. All the people of these shows have the same thing in common. A life of "leisure". Can a person exist and experience the fullness of human existence without leisure? I honestly don't think so. I am as guilty of it as the next person. Can I just have coffee in the morning and look out the window and just be? Heavens no! I must be checking my email, while coordinating my calendar which is full to overflowing with good things, while I hush gabby children clamoring for attention. Reassuring them that I am almost done if they could just give me five more minutes of peace. Peace, ha! I think the kids have the right idea some times, pulling me away from myself to a place of presence in the here and now. Away from distraction.
Whether all those people on all those shows even believe in God or not, I think they may be more attuned to God than they realize. Appreciating the beauty of his creation so intimately. being present in the here and now. I think the hardest place to be is alone. Alone without distraction and without direction. To be and exist in a place of stillness, quiet, and real reflection. They call it harmony with nature, but I think in a real way, whether they realize it or not, it's harmony with God.
We all read articles about the importance of unplugging, and we may even try it for an extended period every now and again. I think it's important to make it a daily experience. So in that spirit I leave you, and I think I'm going to take my own advice and head out with the kiddos into some nature and a little leisurely quiet.. Maybe we're not all as good at "listening" as we like to think.........and maybe we need to start trying to get that leisure back into out lives a little bit each day.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
How to Change Your Spouse in 90 Days
This is Part II of the series about the vocational crisis of marriage. I have been working on this one for a while because this subject is so deeply embedded into my heart and very personal to me. I think it is important to say that this article is about giving a voice to the countless men and women who fight the cultural tide to keep their family together despite serious problems and deepen their faith in a time where divorce for simply being "incompatible" is en vogue. Being a spouse in a hurting marriage can often be a very isolating and dismissing experience. It is sometimes very difficult for others to realize the depth of suffering some couples may be experiencing. I think, as crazy as it sounds, healthy marriages and hurting marriages each have a very unique role in salvation. For all of you who have healthy marriages, keep doing what you're doing. You're a model for marriage as God intended it to be. You show, most eloquently that, "the indissolubility of marriage flows in the first place from the very essence of that gift(of self): the gift of one person to another person." JPII Letter to families You model Christ's love for his church. For all of you in hurting marriages, you also have a special role in salvation. You model what it means to take up your cross and follow Christ lovingly modeling him daily. You are living proof that God can and does bring good out the darkest hurts. You, more so than most, know what the marriage covenant means, how important it is, and you're fighting with all you have to keep it. You have the unique opportunity to cooperate with God in the conversion of your spouse. We all have a unique path to holiness, but the hurts are real, so lets keep moving forward.
I'm sorry, I had to do it, the title was a wee bit charged. Did I get your hopes up only to dash them? Yes, I'm a big stinker. The fact of the matter is, you cannot change your spouse. In marriage, but especially in a hurting marriage we might be desperate for our spouse to change. We go through our if only list. You know the one I'm talking about. If only they would help out around the house, I do it all alone. Then I would feel valued. If only they would work less, and be present to this family. I wouldn't feel so lonely and dismissed. If only they would not speak to me that way, I am not a child. I would feel respected. If only they would control their spending, I don't even have enough to buy food this week. I wouldn't be so stressed out and feel powerless. Our if only lists could be a foot long if you let them. Now, do not misunderstand me. Especially in hurting marriages there can be serious problems that need to be dealt with. There can be monumental changes that need to occur for healing to take place. All of those if only lists are real, legitimate problems that will erode away at a marriage over time. Never mind the deeper problems of infidelity, addictions, abuse, narcissism, mental illness, pornography and the like. What in the world can a spouse do to help their hurting marriage?
You must realize, however difficult, that the change that needs to occur is with you. When you make healthy changes and the dynamics of your marriage change, your spouse will have one of three choices to make. They will either realize what is at stake and make healthier changes in the relationship, resist and fight it tooth and nail but ultimately change, or sadly they may jump ship. Keep in mind, change is not a one stop shop. We're all on a continuum of change over the course of our life so we must be gentle and forgiving, most especially of ourselves. No matter who we are, we all struggle and sometimes have difficult roads to travel. God bless you on your journey!
Prayer!
Yes, prayer should always be our first resort, not our last. I will admit, one of the hardest things for me to do when I'm suffering in any deep way is to pray. When you're broken, Satan wants you to believe nothing will help. To pray unselfishly when we're hurting is hard. Really hard. When the pain is deep, God as a loving Father is calling us near to him. If we can't hear that call it is because we are blocking out His voice. Just anger can turn to bitterness, impatience at our situation can cause us to doubt we are heard and feel hopeless. A person I know, was in a hurting marriage, with very serious problems, for many years. She prayed, sacrificed, and offered up for 23 years. One night as she was in adoration she cried out to God that she had wasted the last 23 years of her life in unimaginable hurt and chaos, why wasn't anything changing. She was ready to give up. She told me in the deepest core of her soul she heard God speaking to her. He told her, not to despair, this amount of time was what was needed for her husband's conversion and healing. Her husband indeed came around, and eventually there was healing. If you're in a hurting marriage it can feel hopeless. You pray and offer up and sacrifice only to be let down again and again. It is important to remember that God has greater knowledge than we ever will. All your tears, sufferings, offerings, and prayers are providing God with graces to direct toward your spouse and their healing and conversion. Never underestimate what effect the smallest sacrifice has on your marriage. Your prayers have held back tides that otherwise would have washed over you and your children.
Frequent reception of communion, confession, and adoration are going to be the most powerful tools in your kit of healing. Pride can also prevent us from asking others to pray for us. Pride is a powerful barrier to grace.
Action!
Life happens. The good, bad, and the ugly happens. We can either drift and try to muddle through under our own limited power or we can pray and deepen our faith and let God gently hold our hands and guide us through the storm. One very important thing to remember, your prayer is not about results. What?!? I thought I was praying and offering so that my spouse would change and our marriage would be healed. Yes! You are right, but, whether your spouse stays or leaves. Whether they change or remain the same, there is one person your prayers are changing. That person is you. God is transforming you with the graces you need to deal with your particular situation. God is drawing you near to his Sacred Heart, and you are allowing him to battle for you and work in your soul. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed." Psalm 34:19
Action!
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you
can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving
forward.”Martin Luther King Jr.
When you're in a hurting marriage and you feel stuck, one of the most important things you can do is pry yourself loose and move forward. Despair and hopelessness are the enemies of healing and forgiveness. Find a spiritual director, a good Catholic counselor, your parish priest, a 12 step program, whatever your circumstance there is hope and healing waiting for you to be open and willing to partake of it. That does not mean there won't be plenty of hurts along the way. You are the source of change in your marriage. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to be ready for it, but when you are make sure you ask for God's guidance and graces. Some resources include Retrouvaille, Marital Healing, and Al-Anon Families. The source of all love and happiness is God. I know. It is terribly difficult though, when the one to whom you've promised to share your life with acts so unlovingly. You can feel alone and unloved, that is why it is also important to surround yourself with people who will lift you up.
Just a disclaimer, if you have ever been the victim of physical abuse, it is not wrong or sinful to remove yourself or your children from the abusive situation. God does not ever want any of his precious children to stay in a situation that threatens their life or health. Acting to end the abuse does not end the marriage promises.
Me?
Hi, yes, I'm talking about me. Nope I'm not going to give any juicy tid bits on my marital life. Yes, a hurting marriage is part of who I am. I have developed an empathy that I probably would not have had, had it not been part of who I am. It has altered my perspective on life and spirituality. It has deepened and tested my faith in ways that have brought me closer to God. I have said to myself on many an occasion, "I don't want to be Saint Monica, I don't want it Lord, I'm not strong enough". God is OK with small steps, even if we fall backwards sometimes. As long as we keep moving toward him and his will. You know what, I am not strong enough. On my own, I am weak and wishy washy. It is only through bolstering myself in God's grace that I can stand fast against the storm. It is only by trying to imitate Christ that I can see my spouse through His eyes, and love him as Christ loves him. Truly, believe me when I say that, that simple fact has been a very hard lesson learned. To see through the lense of Christ is something that takes time, but it is necessary. Without viewing others through the lense of Christ, Immaculee llibagiza would never have been able to forgive those who murdered her family in the Rwandan holocost. The best thing a person can do for someone in a hurting marriage is to pray from them daily, even if it's something as simple as, Lord walk with so and so today. Call them up, offer them a cup of coffee, and shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, God asks you to be His light in their darkness, not to solve their problems, but simply to listen and allow them to be heard. I do love my spouse, incredibly so. With spectacular love, can come spectacular pain, just ask Christ.
When you're in a hurting marriage and you feel stuck, one of the most important things you can do is pry yourself loose and move forward. Despair and hopelessness are the enemies of healing and forgiveness. Find a spiritual director, a good Catholic counselor, your parish priest, a 12 step program, whatever your circumstance there is hope and healing waiting for you to be open and willing to partake of it. That does not mean there won't be plenty of hurts along the way. You are the source of change in your marriage. Sometimes it takes a lot of time to be ready for it, but when you are make sure you ask for God's guidance and graces. Some resources include Retrouvaille, Marital Healing, and Al-Anon Families. The source of all love and happiness is God. I know. It is terribly difficult though, when the one to whom you've promised to share your life with acts so unlovingly. You can feel alone and unloved, that is why it is also important to surround yourself with people who will lift you up.
Just a disclaimer, if you have ever been the victim of physical abuse, it is not wrong or sinful to remove yourself or your children from the abusive situation. God does not ever want any of his precious children to stay in a situation that threatens their life or health. Acting to end the abuse does not end the marriage promises.
Me?
Hi, yes, I'm talking about me. Nope I'm not going to give any juicy tid bits on my marital life. Yes, a hurting marriage is part of who I am. I have developed an empathy that I probably would not have had, had it not been part of who I am. It has altered my perspective on life and spirituality. It has deepened and tested my faith in ways that have brought me closer to God. I have said to myself on many an occasion, "I don't want to be Saint Monica, I don't want it Lord, I'm not strong enough". God is OK with small steps, even if we fall backwards sometimes. As long as we keep moving toward him and his will. You know what, I am not strong enough. On my own, I am weak and wishy washy. It is only through bolstering myself in God's grace that I can stand fast against the storm. It is only by trying to imitate Christ that I can see my spouse through His eyes, and love him as Christ loves him. Truly, believe me when I say that, that simple fact has been a very hard lesson learned. To see through the lense of Christ is something that takes time, but it is necessary. Without viewing others through the lense of Christ, Immaculee llibagiza would never have been able to forgive those who murdered her family in the Rwandan holocost. The best thing a person can do for someone in a hurting marriage is to pray from them daily, even if it's something as simple as, Lord walk with so and so today. Call them up, offer them a cup of coffee, and shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, God asks you to be His light in their darkness, not to solve their problems, but simply to listen and allow them to be heard. I do love my spouse, incredibly so. With spectacular love, can come spectacular pain, just ask Christ.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Trouble with Troubled Marriages
This is the first article in a 2 part series on the vocational crisis of marriage. I have thought long and hard about topics, because, let's face it, one could probably write a 12 volume set on marriage and it's deterioration in recent generations. As Catholics we need to be aware that Satan loves nothing better than dividing and conquering. “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” Saint John Paul II. I tell you, these were such prophetic words. What I'm going to talk about in these articles isn't meant to be an in depth analysis on the deterioration of marriage in the western world. There are some terrific books about that topic and I'll list them at the end of each article. No, these articles are my heart to each and every one of yours, whether your marriage is terrifically normal or terrifically suffering. What I'm going to say over the course of the series probably will make some people uncomfortable, and that's good.
Slander, gossip, and scandal. Three words that will make any normal person cringe. Show me a news headline that ends well with any of those words in the title. Our culture is full of dysfunctional family glorifying junk. We all know friends who truly have wonderful, loving, God filled marriages with normal conflicts and issues. We also know people who only appear to have those types of marriages. Looking from the outside in, they appear to have it all together. You will see the posts on Facebook and Twitter of their fabulous vacation together, the pictures tell a story of loving spouses doing things together, sharing time with their children. I'll tell you right now, there are many faces of sadness behind those posts and behind those pictures. They are trying to paint a glossy world, to hide their brokenness, but also because the friends, family, and couples around them are uncomfortable with the brokenness too. Now I'm not talking about people who do slander, gossip, and try to cause scandal for their spouse by airing every detail of their dirty laundry publicly or make humiliating statements about them, with them in the same room. I'm talking about those who genuinely are suffering. We can be so afraid that by listening to a friend or couple in a troubled marriage that we are participating in slander, gossip, and scandal. Or we are afraid they are looking to us to solve their problems, instead of simply listen, pray, support, and guide. Or, deep down, we worry it could happen to us too. We always have on our mind that we must take up our cross and follow Christ. That suffering friend or sibling in a troubled marriage must be like one of the saints and suffer and offer up in silence. That is just their cross they've been given. I've never been to Vegas, but there probably is a drive through divorce in the same window as drive the through marriage. In our throw away, disposable culture, we fear those troubled marriages. We fear to be there for the people who carry burdens we might never imagine.
People sometimes don't know what to say or think. I mean if that person was like that before they got married surely they wouldn't have married them to begin with. Don't they know the sanctity of marriage? Haven't they tried studying about what God intended for marriage? Don't they pray together? Hey...I heard about that thing called Retrouvaille, that should work or maybe counseling. I'll just say it. One of the hardest things in life to do, is to live out a marriage covenant when the marriage is suffering deep trials. Normal marriage, kids, work, and family life are hard enough to juggle on their own. Great time and love and care must be invested into those relationships for them to thrive. When you add an ailing marriage into the mix, the results can be devastating. Men and women who are in hurting marriages, their daily life truly is a daily cross, even so, many seek to live out their marriage to the best of their ability. Yet sadly, there is so little support to do so if their are serious problems. Look around at the people who attend church with you next time you're at mass. There are marriages suffering infidelity, alcoholism, narcissism, talk of separation, talk of divorce, serious family of origin troubles, machismo, misogyny, and the list goes on. You'll look and you might not even be able to pick them out.
It makes us uncomfortable, to talk about those things. I support life. I am Pro-Life, at all stages and ages. We often forget that being Pro-Life is also about being pro life giving. We need to be life giving, loving, and nurturing to those men and women around us who do suffer, who pick up their cross daily and follow Christ, and that cross is their marriage. In an ideal world each spouse dies to self(their cross) for the service to the other out of love and respect. In truly troubled marriages, this doesn't happen. If you can imagine trying to be the spouse who dies to self daily and does not receive in return. It is emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally exhausting. You can be that fill for them. You can bring the light and face of Christ into their darkness. Don't be afraid of it, ask God how He can use you as an instrument of hope, light, and healing in their life. "Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40 We were not meant to walk the paths of this earth alone. We were made for love, and to live in love we must be in community. God will never be outdone in generosity. What you give to others will be given back to you, and then some.
"For there are three ways of performing an act of mercy: the merciful word, by forgiving and by comforting; secondly, if you can offer no word, then pray - that too is mercy; and thirdly, deeds of mercy. And when the Last Day comes, we shall be judged from this, and on this basis we shall receive the eternal verdict."
--Saint Faustina Kowalska
It makes us uncomfortable, to talk about those things. I support life. I am Pro-Life, at all stages and ages. We often forget that being Pro-Life is also about being pro life giving. We need to be life giving, loving, and nurturing to those men and women around us who do suffer, who pick up their cross daily and follow Christ, and that cross is their marriage. In an ideal world each spouse dies to self(their cross) for the service to the other out of love and respect. In truly troubled marriages, this doesn't happen. If you can imagine trying to be the spouse who dies to self daily and does not receive in return. It is emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally exhausting. You can be that fill for them. You can bring the light and face of Christ into their darkness. Don't be afraid of it, ask God how He can use you as an instrument of hope, light, and healing in their life. "Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40 We were not meant to walk the paths of this earth alone. We were made for love, and to live in love we must be in community. God will never be outdone in generosity. What you give to others will be given back to you, and then some.
"For there are three ways of performing an act of mercy: the merciful word, by forgiving and by comforting; secondly, if you can offer no word, then pray - that too is mercy; and thirdly, deeds of mercy. And when the Last Day comes, we shall be judged from this, and on this basis we shall receive the eternal verdict."
--Saint Faustina Kowalska
Friday, August 8, 2014
~What a dog can teach you about life, suffering, and love~
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| Toby |
When I was younger, every time I had cause to visit the mall, I'd stop by Pet City to look at the animals. I love animals and for most of my childhood pretended to be the Vet that nursed all my sick toy animals back to heath. We always had dogs, cats, and the odd animal at our house when I was growing up. On one particular visit to the mall, I saw the cutest puppy. He had such long legs and his coat looked as if someone accidentally spattered him with a paint gun. So cute, but I was just looking, not buying. Three weeks later and he was still there, I couldn't resist. The blue ticked puppy with long legs and head that felt like bunny fur came home with me. Yup, I had Toby longer than I've been married.
Today I had to bring my beloved Toby to the veterinarian to be put down. His hips caused him a great deal of pain and he wasn't hardly eating anymore. He either hid away from the family or paced around the house whining. It....it was just time to let him go. We brought him to his rest today, the kids and I. As the sedation took effect and he started to drift off to sleep, Toby let out an audible sigh. The first pain free rest he's had in a long time. I knew then in my heart this was the right thing. I stroked his soft, warm fur for the last time. The real heart break was watching as my little Sarah wrapped her arms around his neck, in a warm baby embrace, as he slept. I couldn't bear to stay for the actual euthanasia injection so I shuffled everyone out the side door. I mean, they have a side door so none of the other pet owners get freaked out at the sight of a blubbering woman.
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| His empty bed is the hardest to see |
I've been reflecting today why this loss is so hard for me. I mean, he's just a dog right? Why on earth should I be in tears through the course of the day over a dog. Never mind he was in my life for over a decade, a comfortable, familiar fixture in my life. I think above all else, pets can teach you to value life in a way that everyone gets. Dogs in particular live to serve and they give without expecting more in return than a pat on the head and a comfortable place by your feet. They get up the next day and do it again without resentment. Isn't that how Christ called us to live? To love, give, and serve without counting the cost, without expectations? Doing the ordinary with extraordinary love. Dogs of course can't reason to love in the human sense, but they are loyal beyond comprehension. They have been known to lay down their life for their owner. We as the stewards of creation and everything in it, should not take life lightly. God never breathed the breath of life into animals, only for man was the privilege of a soul held. That is why it's an act of mercy to end the suffering of an animal, because their suffering isn't salvific in nature. The taking of their life, even in mercy, is a thing to behold. It fills you with a sure sense that there surely is a God greater than you that authored all life on this earth.
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Dogs can teach us to live in the present. So often, people are stuck living in the past or worrying over the distant future. Dogs don't think of yesterday's sorrows, and they don't worry themselves sick over a future they can't control. They don't hold grudges and all they know is now. How many time are we not fully present in the moment. Fully present to our children, our spouses, even to God. Distracted and multi-tasking ourselves into an early grave. Be present and mindful of the day, and heed well Christ's words in Matthew, chapter 6, "25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat
[or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more
than food and the body more than clothing?
26Look at the birds in the
sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your
heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?o
27Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
28Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin.
29But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.
30 If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is
thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O
you of little faith?
31So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’
32All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
33But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.
34Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."
No matter how much physical suffering he endured, Toby carried on and lived his life to the fullest of his ability. It's so easy for us to get sucked into the self defeating why me, why this, when will it be different attitude. In life, you either learn to surf the waves, or you'll get caught in the undertow and drown. Suffering finds all of us, we can either choose to drag ourselves through it alone, or we can choose to be carried by Christ through it. Never let a day go by without uniting your suffering to Christ's suffering on the cross. Never let a day go by that you don't show those you cherish most just how much they mean to you. Live life, live it with style. Wear your heart of your sleeve and wear a smile on your face. Life is beautiful, and to be cherished especially amidst suffering. I'll miss you my Toby dog. As much as for the reflection of what your short life has shown me, but most especially for your constant, enduring, loving companionship.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Being comfortable in your own skin
I can be a very self conscious person. If you knew me you probably wouldn't realize that, but I am. Most of the pictures you'll see of me are just showing my face. Often, I am the one taking the pictures. The reason? I feel like a fit, athletic person, trapped in body that's not mine. In my twenty's I was trim, fit, and despite that, I had a warped body image. I'm a lot heavier now, a lot less fit, but I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. Why? My body has done some pretty amazing things.
Over the years, I've trained my body pretty hard, and it's still going strong. I used to swim competitively for many years. I pushed my body during training and I'm amazed at what it withstood and how it performed. I played lacrosse in high school and college. I pushed the limits and sometimes my body groaned back with a few injuries here and there, but for the most part it gave me what I asked of it. I still ask a lot of my body chasing after 4 kids amidst the myriad of physical issues I now have.
My body has grown babies, and I have the stretchmarks to prove it! It's pretty amazing to think about how a woman's body can grow an 8lb baby out of an egg the size of a pinhead. My body has healed from multiple c-sections. I've probably had more surgeries, including a knee surgery, in short span of time, than most people have had in a lifetime. My body has withstood months straight of less than 4 hours of sleep a night and I'm still here to tell about it. I've nursed and nourished all of my children, and I find it simply amazing that my body makes the perfect food, and not only that, but that my body is the ultimate way to comfort and give of myself to my children. It's beautiful what your body can do.
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