Yes, this is me. All 5'7", 276lbs of me. Truthfully, this is the heaviest I've ever been. Thank you PCOS, you always make my life interesting. Hey, I have an evolutionary advantage over many of you. If there's ever a famine, I have a leg up on survival. At least that's one of the theories floating around as to the genetic cause of PCOS. Oh yeah, and don't forget the hirtuism (abnormal hair growth) it causes, that one is always fun. Nope, despite what some might think, I don't double fist food into my mouth, or gorge on non-stop junk food binges. Yes, I've been known to have a slice of pie with a hot cup of coffee for breakfast, or once, when we had been out all day and on the go, I downed half a container of Pringles as my dinner. People's perception are almost always shaped by how they feel about themselves, super imposed onto others. Ever notice that super skinny woman that's given birth to multiple children, but doesn't look like it a week after delivery? No, she does not starve herself like you think. No, she doesn't exercise 3 hours a day. She eats normal food, has the body type God gave her, and yes, even splurges on that occasional slice of Whole Foods Berry Chantilly Cake. Haven't tried it? Do! You can thank me for it later. We are all unique, beautiful, and as God designed us to be.
Shopping for clothes can be challenging. One reason being, that because of my size, fashionable, non-granny clothing is hard to find. Two being, because even though the clothes are really cute, they often have a way of exaggerating the flaws I dislike the worst. The last reason being my body is hard to fit even in normal clothes, who knew I was normal fit from the waste down and petite on top. Also, whoever thought of making super deep v-necks in plus size shirts causing me to look like a busty medieval bar maid should have their sewing machine taken away from them.
I can be a very self conscious person. If you knew me you probably wouldn't realize that, but I am. Most of the pictures you'll see of me are just showing my face. Often, I am the one taking the pictures. The reason? I feel like a fit, athletic person, trapped in body that's not mine. In my twenty's I was trim, fit, and despite that, I had a warped body image. I'm a lot heavier now, a lot less fit, but I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. Why? My body has done some pretty amazing things.
Over the years, I've trained my body pretty hard, and it's still going strong. I used to swim competitively for many years. I pushed my body during training and I'm amazed at what it withstood and how it performed. I played lacrosse in high school and college. I pushed the limits and sometimes my body groaned back with a few injuries here and there, but for the most part it gave me what I asked of it. I still ask a lot of my body chasing after 4 kids amidst the myriad of physical issues I now have.
My body has grown babies, and I have the stretchmarks to prove it! It's pretty amazing to think about how a woman's body can grow an 8lb baby out of an egg the size of a pinhead. My body has healed from multiple c-sections. I've probably had more surgeries, including a knee surgery, in short span of time, than most people have had in a lifetime. My body has withstood months straight of less than 4 hours of sleep a night and I'm still here to tell about it. I've nursed and nourished all of my children, and I find it simply amazing that my body makes the perfect food, and not only that, but that my body is the ultimate way to comfort and give of myself to my children. It's beautiful what your body can do.
I am sexy, spontaneous, intelligent, spiritual, fun, empathetic, loving, and full of soul. None of those things have to do with how my body looks. I've met some pretty disturbingly shallow and self centered skinny, as well as, fat people. Defining yourself by how you look is so different than defining yourself by who you are. Yes, our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit so we should take the best care of them that we can, but to be fixated on our bodies to the neglect of our intellect and souls is disastrous. People who judge me by my outside physique will sadly miss out on the depth that is me.
I am one of the beautiful people, and not because I look like a super sexed up actress or model. My beauty is in the smile lines in the corners of my eyes. My beauty is in my hands, a little rough, but hands that have held, helped, hugged, and comforted. My beauty is my apple shaped physique that has been stretched from growing babies. My beauty is in my spirit which has been challenged, but not been crushed yet. I'll never be able to walk a cat walk or red carpet, but I'll be that person who walks next to you, lifting you up. Inner beauty always has a way of making the outward appearance of a person, beautiful. Trust me when I say, you're one of the beautiful people too.
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