When someone you love is in a hurting marriage

     An uncomfortable topic isn't it.  It can be very charged and even bring up feelings you have experienced over the course of your own married life.  Who doesn't know someone in a hurting marriage?  I think we all do, have experienced, or may be currently experiencing one ourselves.  Oh my gosh, to be the friend, or sibling, or parent of a man or woman in a hurting marriage can just about make your heart bleed.  What are you supposed to do?  People in a hurting marriage aren't just experiencing run of the mill marriage arguments or issues.  There can be serious issues at play.  Affairs of the heart, physical infidelity, lies, deception, emotional abuse, financial abuse, or physical abuse, mental illness, drug abuse, alcoholism, rejection, abandonment, the list could go on.  As a friend, sibling, or parent how can we help?

Prayer

     First thing on the list absolutely is prayer.  Pray for them as a couple and encourage them to pray together.  Let them know you are praying for them and asking others to pray for them.  Flooding a couple with graces and lifting them up in prayer brings the light of Christ into their darkness.  When they are hurting, you can be guaranteed the first thing to go is their prayer life.  They may still attend church and put up a false sense of closeness to God.  The reality couldn't be further from the truth.  They are stuck in a place of darkness and desolation.  They are far away from the God who loves them and wants them to be whole.  We are all broken people, only God can make us whole.  Encourage them to go to confession weekly.  We can be the master deceivers and the first people we often lie to is ourselves.  When we are forced to examine our conscience, God brings to light that which we seek to hide.  Encourage each spouse to go to weekly confession at least.  Attend mass as often as possible.  We become what we love.  If we love Christ, no matter how far away from him we are, we will always seek him out.  The Eucharist is the source of all life in us.  Receiving Him in the Eucharist fills us full to overflowing.  Encourage frequent reception of communion in the sacrifice of the Holy Mass.  Adoration.  We are so lucky as to have Christ present to us in such a real way.  We need do nothing more than sit in his loving presence.  Not so much to speak, but as to listen to Him.  The couple should be encouraged to attend adoration together weekly.  God has joined them together, praying together in His presence is very powerful.  Daily prayer.  Encourage each of them to pray for each other even if it's as simple as "Lord, I can't love my spouse right now, please Jesus, love them through me", or "Please Lord walk with my spouse today and guide their thoughts, words, and actions".  Encouraging mutual prayer encourages mutual love and self sacrifice.  They are literally loving their enemy.  

Do Not Take Sides

     This is probably the hardest thing you can possibly do.  When someone you love is being hurt the bear in you comes out and you want to squash the other person doing the hurting.  You have to remember though, there are two people in that marriage, and both of those people are responsible for the hurt and the mess.  Each to a greater or lesser degree.  It doesn't really matter.  When you pick sides, you are throwing gasoline on an already volatile situation.  There are flip sides to every coin and we have no way of knowing fully what goes on behind closed doors.  All we are privy to is what we're told.  Let me tell you, when a married couple is hurting, they will dog out their spouse to unload the hurt they can't hold in any longer.  We want to be there to help, and commiserate.  Which is wonderful.  However, we have to be very careful not to spouse bash, start a witch hunt, or add anger and hurt to an already angry and hurtful situation.    It is ok to address wrong action or wrong thought when we see it in both parties.  It must be done in a way that fosters a spirit of love, communication, and healing.  Remember, as a married couple it will always be easier for them to forgive each other and forget past hurts, it will not be so easy for you because you don't have the God given grace of their marriage covenant.  You must love each hurting person, or excuse yourself from the situation.  The only person that should be in the middle of their marriage is God, not you.  

Do Not Encourage Separation

     When a couple separates, reconciliation is much less likely to happen.  When a couple is separated all that happens is that they bark at one another from afar.  They don't have to take responsibility for their issues.  When there are children involved they are the ones who get hurt the most. Wondering what they could have done to drive their mother or father away.  Wondering why they aren't loved anymore.  No matter how messy it is, parents who stay as one flesh model that each of them is worth it and their family is worth it.  They model that no matter how rough life gets, if we pull together and toward God and healing, we will experience new life and beautiful healing.  Encouraging a couple to pull apart is divisive and no matter how well meaning, will always have disastrous consequences.  We must always prayerfully discern how God wants to use us.

Tell them to seek help

     Sometimes the problems in a marriage are far beyond any advice we could and should give.  There are numerous resources to help a hurting marriage.  Retrouvaille, www.thealexanderhouse.org,    a priest, spiritual director, couples counseling by a therapist who is pro-marriage.  Remember, there are two people in a marriage.  Each of them are hurting and have also hurt the other.  Yes, sometimes I fancy myself an armchair psychologist, but when you're dealing with a marriage, sometimes the best thing you can do is say"I am so sorry you're hurting, I'm praying for you, I'm hear to listen to you, but I'm not the best person to help you right now, here are some resources for you."

     So here is my disclaimer.  If the person you love is being abused, God does not want one of his precious children's body or health to be destroyed.  There are many types of abuse and they are all equally insidious. You can and should encourage them to separate from their abusive spouse with the hope of healing and reconciliation one day.  The decision however is up to them. You never want to put a person in a situation where they feel they can't come to you because for whatever reason they choose to stay.  The best thing I can say is to look at the prayer of St. Francis.  Ask yourself if you are sowing these virtues in that hurting couples marriage?  God Bless you on this journey.

 

 

What do you want now!

Oh my good golly.  This has become my mantra throughout the day.  I feel pulled in so many directions that my kids just start to ask me something and I find myself cutting them off with a "geez, what do you want now!"  You know, I find myself doing that in my relationship with Christ as well.  "Well, what do you want now!  Haven't I given you enough!"  So, what better time than Lent to refocus my view from self to other, and God.  Instead of snapping how I feel, I'm going to take a 5 second pause and say to myself, "yes Lord, how can I serve you".  Right now the "least of these" are my children, spouse, and small sphere of friends.  When I feel like screaming, "well, what the heck do you want now?!?", I'm going to quietly say, "how can I help you?".  Christ is in my home and in my small little world.  I need to remind myself to see him and serve him there.  Yes, I'll probably fail more times than I succeed, but it's in the effort and intention that God finds an opening to work.  I really feel this well change the atmosphere in my house and how we all relate to one another.  Try it and let me know how your homes have changed for the better.

The latest causualty of war.....

     I'm sure you've run across this news article from various sources.  I normally read these articles, pass them along to others, and then add them to my mental file of "what the hell is wrong with this world, I must pray" file folder.  This story has stuck with me, mostly because of the amount of hateful comments heaped on this woman.  To be clear, what she did is wrong, period.  We like to think that if we were her, in all respects, we would choose differently.  The fact of the matter is, nothing is clear cut, and we can hope, but we could also have fallen.  Fallen just as spectacularly.
     I consider this woman the latest casualty in a war on women and family that started with Eve.  Yes, we like to think in terms of the the sexual revolution or Roe vs Wade as the beginning of the war on women, the family, and babies.  In reality, ancient civilizations were just as barbaric as our current Culture of Death.  No excuses, it's just reality.  So many women have fallen prey to the abortion industry.  Women who destroy and murder their own children because they feel it's either me or the baby, and damn it, it's not going to be me.  This poor woman could have faced a very similar situation.  Many girl babies in current day China are murdered or left to die simply because they are not boys.  Those women who look into the faces of their children and say it's going to be me that makes it out of this situation, not you.  Women in India are pressured to abort their babies if they are found to be girls.  Many succumb to that pressure because their lives would be made into a literal hell on earth.  No, excuses, it's just reality.
     The same compassion our Lord showed to sinners, even those with sins of a great nature, is what we should show to this woman and all men and women who face an it's either you or me decision.  Odds are you are surround by men and women who have been faced with that decision and saw no way out.  Yes, even men and women who might have been pro-life most of their lives.  Don't be shocked.  You see, Satan trapped them in his web of lies.  Telling them they were faced with an impossible situation.  Telling them they are truly all alone.  Heaping shame on top of their hurt on top of their .
     A Culture of Death is not halted in it's tracts by hateful words.  It's halted by shouting what is happening is wrong.  It's halted by taking that man or woman by the hand and acknowledging their pain and impossible situation.  Even if the outcome is their having an abortion anyway, or as in this case abandoning their child, they have seen the face of Christ himself instead of yours.  A face that will forever be in their hearts, hopefully one day leading to their conversion.  So let us stop and pray for this poor woman, he strong husband, and beautiful child.  They all have a long road ahead of them and they need those graces and spiritual hugs.  Because, even she is a child of God, worth it, and in need every much as the beggar on the streets of Calcutta.  May God bless you on this journey.

Do I really have to stay sane???

     So it's been a rough last few months.  In my own life, in the lives of people I know, and in the lives of people I don't know.  There's the family who's 18mo old died while taking a nap, the thirty-four year old husband and father dying of cancer leaving behind his beautiful wife and kids, the friend who experienced stillbirth shortly before she was due, the precious woman in her 40s who cancer decided to take, the middle aged gentleman who had an accident and ended up dying, at least 3 teens who thought suicide was the answer to their hurt, precious ladies close to my heart suffering from PPD, pain, surgeries, yeah, you get the drift.  Damn it, do I really have to stay sane?  I mean sometimes life is just downright depressing.
     I have this blessing and curse.  Empathy.  It's good to possess because you can put yourself in others shoes.  It can also help you be more diplomatic.  For me, I also feel others pain.  Nope, seriously, I feel their distress as my own and feel compelled to do something, to help as if it were me experiencing what they are.  No, not crazy, and yep, always been this way.  It is so easy for me to get discouraged and feel helpless.  You can't replace someones child, you can't take away their cancer, you can't take away their pain, you can't be there all the time because you have your own family and commitments.  Most times there is nothing you can do to make it right.  Sometimes you feel what little you can do is worthless.  Sometimes you can't do anything but offer your prayer.
     It occurred to me the today.  So much of my discouragement and helplessness is pride.  Pride in depending only on my own power and resources.  You want to take away suffering, but in reality, you can't nor should you.  God has plans infinitely better than mine.  Even if it involves suffering or taking a precious soul back to his bosom.  Sometimes you can't do more than offer your prayers.  We can get trapped in thinking that somehow prayers, offerings, and sacrifices for another are at the low end of the totem pole.  If we're not "doing something" we're not helping.  In reality, it is the best and most important thing you can do.  Everything else stems from those things.  Prayers and closeness to God will calls us into action.  God calls each of us to different actions.  Each of us has different gifts and God calls each of us in different ways.  We shouldn't feel bad if all we can do is pray, or all we can do is offer a kind word or note.  God in his infinite love gathers many to help those in need, and sometimes that need is trust in Him and prayer which showers graces where they are needed most.
     It's grace that get's your friend through that last chemo treatment.  It's grace that keeps despair and anger at bay and replaces them with love and remembrance in the heart of a person who's lost a loved one.  It's grace that enable a person in chronic pain to say yes, I can do this again tomorrow.  It was a great reminder to me that God indeed has people close to his heart.  That while I may be tempted to despair because I can't "help", maybe God is asking me to help in the way his sons and daughters need the most. 
    

It all started with the earrings

     It did, I promise.  I stood in front of the mirror and tried putting on a pair of earrings.  Truthfully I haven't worn earrings in years.  You know, several sets of little fingers tugging on ears.  Using an alcohol wipe on the back of my right ear, I was able to push the earring though with little effort.  I could not, for the life of me, no matter what I tried, push the earring though my left ear.  For the last 10 years I have put myself and my own needs behind everyone else.  This year I've been left feeling worn very thin, with not even fumes left to run on.  Now, while we as mothers are called to sacrifice for our families, God also wants us to take care of ourselves.  I struggle with balance because I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person.  This problem with my left ear left me thinking. I definitely was not taking care of myself.  Yes, I know, it's just a closed hole.  I've been thinking about all the other "closed holes" that are in my life.   I have defined myself as wife/mother for so long that I forgot I was me, long before I was either of those things.  It was showing.  My lack of care for myself, and what really brought it to my attention was a little closed hole in my left ear.
     I don't like New Year's resolutions.  Who the heck keeps those things anyway.  I never think in terms of slow progress.  Either everything changes or nothing does.  It's really impossible though, to make a huge list of things you'd like to improve or start and then try and tackle them all at once.  Or I'm famous for forgetting or making mistakes a few times and then throwing everything out the window because I obviously just can't do it or I wouldn't have messed up so often.  Yeah, it's complicated being me.  I know.  However, here we are at the threshold of the New Year.  Closed ear hole and all, just a couple of days before the New Year.
     I really wanted to wear earrings again.  To feel gussied up again, so to speak.  So I went out and had my left ear re-pierced.  It may not be true for everyone, but it makes me feel more feminine.  More me.  It is progress.  A small step toward finding my old self again.  Really, for the first time, I'm happy with small progress.  I guess it's only taken a life filled with ups and downs, joys and disappointments, 13 years of marriage and 4 kids to get it into my stubborn head.  I guess it really all comes down to living life purposely.   So in that spirit of optimism, I'm choosing to make some resolutions this coming year.
I choose Love, I choose Hope, I choose Faith, and I choose Health.  Yes, I know, it sounds like a cop out, to list a bunch of generalizations.  It's not, I assure you.  Usually I get so caught up in the small things I have a hard time seeing the bigger picture.  I'm choosing these things because they are what I need to work toward to become the person God intended me to be.  New Year's resolutions are usually finite goals.  I don't live in a finite world.  My world is big and constantly in motion.  I'm going to work toward the big picture this coming year.  I'm going to let God lead me by the hand, taking small steps if necessary.  I have some pretty high mountains to climb.  For once I don't think they are insurmountable.  Consecrating myself to Mary this December, and all that I have and am belongs to her, to present before Jesus, to use as His will deems fit.  Who knows, perhaps it's Mary spurring this whole new attitude.  Through the simple desire to wear a pair of earrings, I've discovered so much more.  Much love to you, and God Bless you on your journey.


    

Speaking the Language of Virtue with Your Kids

 "A virtue is an habitual and firm disposition to do the
good. It allows the person not only to perform good acts,
but to give the best of himself. The virtuous person tends
toward the good with all his sensory and spiritual powers;
he pursues the good and chooses it in concrete actions."(Catechism of the Catholic Church - 1803)   

     Speaking the language of virtue with our kids makes them more other focused than me focused.  In this season of Advent when we're preparing for the birth of our savior Jesus Christ.  I've really been thinking about virtue and how to impart that on my kids.  I know that we must not just talk the talk, but walk the walk.  I don't think we can get away with one or the other, action always precipitates thought.  Reminding that God gives freely to us, so even if we ourselves have next to nothing, we always have something to give.   The home is the first school of community, what better place to start. 
     We used to learn about people who had strong moral character, now we are flooded with Kim Kardashian and Jersey Shore.  Babies, toddlers, and young children are very self centered, and thank goodness for that.  They need to be to have their needs met.  It's how they learn to trust, individuate and develop into their own little person.  Entering into the preschool years and beyond the language of virtue is so very important.  We are at the ground level of helping to build their characters. 
     Now, this is all coming from the queen of selfishness.  Yes, that would be me.  What, you want water now???  I just sat down to eat my food that is already cold!  Audible sigh, audible sigh, mumble, mumble, mumble.  Sometimes I wonder where I've gone wrong because there is more fighting going on between the kids than between cats and dogs.  Hardly the picture of virtue.  It's crazy isn't it?  To expect perfection from our kids when we're hardly perfect ourselves.  The only perfection we'll achieve, that I know of, is when we are allowed to enter those pearly gates.
     Thank goodness for confession, forgiveness, and most of the time, the chance to make it right.  So when we have kids, we can pretty much be guaranteed to cover the entire gamut of vices and their opposite virtues in a day.  And I'm not just talking about the kids.  So what virtues might we want to impart to our kids.  Well, the list can get extensive but here's a good list to start with.

Humility
Kindness
Forgiveness
Diligence
Charity
Temperance
Chastity 
Sincerity
Perseverance

     So often we hear people say to kids, "So what do you want to be/do when you grow up".  I used to be guilty of this too.  The language of virtue sets a different tone not only with ourselves, but our kids.  It leads us to ask what gifts God has given us?  It leads us to ask what plan does God have for me and the gifts he's given to me?  It leads us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  I think no matter what statistics you hear on the news, kids always look to us as their first and best teachers.  They may not say much as they get older, but believe you me, they sure as heck are watching.  Virtues bring good into a value neutral world.  Give me the virtuous over someone who has "values" any day.
     It starts simple and young.  "Johnny, I know it was so hard for you to give half your cookie to your sister.  I am so proud of you for being so generous and kind."  As our kids get older, the complexity of issues and feelings get bigger.  Values are subjective while virtues are objective.  We want our kids to do and choose the right thing irregardless of their feelings.  There will always come a day when our kids have to choose between doing what is right no matter how humiliating and going along because it's the easier way.  Virtues that have been cultivated over time will help them be able to overcome these challenges.  If they make mistakes, even serious ones, which they are going to do, there are the virtues of humility and forgiveness to heal the wounds.
     We are all works in progress.  I'll probably fail more times than succeed, but I'm going to try my best to speak the language of virtue in my home, and trust God to fill in the gaps.  I'd love to hear your resources and how you've worked to impart virtues in your homes.  Peace be with you and God bless you on this journey.

Beauty Through Your Child's Eyes

     I'm sure we've all heard people say so and so is "living vicariously through their child".  They can live some of the glory of that child's accomplishments.  Saying that about someone has a pretty negative connotation because it's usually the parent pushing the child to live their own unfulfilled dreams.  Today, my daughter attended her first all girls tea party.  Good golly it's all she talked about for days.  We counted down and when this morning finally came she popped up in bed and asked if it was time for her tea party.  I couldn't help but smile and feel such overwhelming joy as she giggled and did silly little girl things while she sampled the yummy treats on her plate and talked to the little girl seated next to her.  I tried to image what was going on in that little head of hers.  There was a little spark in those beautiful hazel eyes.  No matter what happened yesterday, earlier in the day, or what might happen tomorrow, for that moment in time she was joyful and perfectly content.
     When we're young the world is big and fresh.  The smallest things give the greatest joys.  As evidenced by the many calls of the kids constantly clamoring, " Mama look at this, Mama look at that."  It is so easy to let life get heavy.  To let life get cluttered so that we can hardly find the joy in it any more.  The never ending laundry, dishes, driving kids all over God's creation, appointments, work, worry over finances, all kinds of negative circumstances that happen to befall us.  I think such a wonderful lesson can be learned if we look at life as our children do.  They could have had a disappointment or fight with a sibling and hour ago, but most of the time they are able to let it go and take the joy in the moment they are in, and live it to the fullest.
     Let's not hope for joy, let's take joy and own it and live it.  Let's spread it to the people around us.  No matter what, there is always beauty and joy around us.  Sometimes it's a little harder to see or grasp, but it's there nonetheless.  Make the commitment to love anyway, to find the joy anyway, to see the beauty always.  The more you do, the more it will change your life for the better.  Like Corrie Ten Boom said, "Thank God for the fleas!"