Being comfortable in your own skin

     

     Yes, this is me.  All 5'7", 276lbs of me.  Truthfully, this is the heaviest I've ever been.  Thank you PCOS, you always make my life interesting.  Hey, I have an evolutionary advantage over many of you.  If there's ever a famine, I have a leg up on survival.  At least that's one of the theories floating around as to the genetic cause of PCOS.  Oh yeah, and don't forget the hirtuism (abnormal hair growth) it causes, that one is always fun.  Nope, despite what some might think, I don't double fist food into my mouth, or gorge on non-stop junk food binges.  Yes, I've been known to have a slice of pie with a hot cup of coffee for breakfast, or once, when we had been out all day and on the go, I downed half a container of Pringles as my dinner.  People's perception are almost always shaped by how they feel about themselves, super imposed onto others.  Ever notice that super skinny woman that's given birth to multiple children, but doesn't look like it a week after delivery?  No, she does not starve herself like you think.  No, she doesn't exercise 3 hours a day.  She eats normal food, has the body type God gave her, and yes, even splurges on that occasional slice of Whole Foods Berry Chantilly Cake.  Haven't tried it?  Do!  You can thank me for it later.  We are all unique, beautiful, and as God designed us to be.

     Shopping for clothes can be challenging.  One reason being, that because of my size, fashionable, non-granny clothing is hard to find.  Two being, because even though the clothes are really cute, they often have a way of exaggerating the flaws I dislike the worst.  The last reason being my body is hard to fit even in normal clothes, who knew I was normal fit from the waste down and petite on top.  Also, whoever thought of making super deep v-necks in plus size shirts causing me to look like a busty medieval bar maid should have their sewing machine taken away from them.   
     I can be a very self conscious person.  If you knew me you probably wouldn't realize that, but I am.  Most of the pictures you'll see of me are just showing my face.  Often, I am the one taking the pictures.  The reason?  I feel like a fit, athletic person, trapped in body that's not mine.  In my twenty's I was trim, fit, and despite that, I had a warped body image.  I'm a lot heavier now, a lot less fit, but I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.  Why?  My body has done some pretty amazing things.
     Over the years, I've trained my body pretty hard, and it's still going strong.  I used to swim competitively for many years.  I pushed my body during training and I'm amazed at what it withstood and how it performed.  I played lacrosse in high school and college.  I pushed the limits and sometimes my body groaned back with a few injuries here and there, but for the most part it gave me what I asked of it.  I still ask a lot of my body chasing after 4 kids amidst the myriad of physical issues I now have.
     My body has grown babies, and I have the stretchmarks to prove it!  It's pretty amazing to think about how a woman's body can grow an 8lb baby out of an egg the size of a pinhead.  My body has healed from multiple c-sections.  I've probably had more surgeries, including a knee surgery, in short span of time, than most people have had in a lifetime.  My body has withstood months straight of less than 4 hours of sleep a night and I'm still here to tell about it.  I've nursed and nourished all of my children, and I find it simply amazing that my body makes the perfect food, and not only that, but that my body is the ultimate way to comfort and give of myself to my children.  It's beautiful what your body can do.

     I am sexy, spontaneous, intelligent, spiritual, fun, empathetic, loving, and full of soul.  None of those things have to do with how my body looks.  I've met some pretty disturbingly shallow and self centered skinny, as well as, fat people.  Defining yourself by how you look is so different than defining yourself by who you are.  Yes, our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit so we should take the best care of them that we can, but to be fixated on our bodies to the neglect of our intellect and souls is disastrous.  People who judge me by my outside physique will sadly miss out on the depth that is me.

     I am one of the beautiful people, and not because I look like a super sexed up actress or model.  My beauty is in the smile lines in the corners of my eyes.  My beauty is in my hands, a little rough, but hands that have held, helped, hugged, and comforted.  My beauty is my apple shaped physique that has been stretched from growing babies.  My beauty is in my spirit which has been challenged, but not been crushed yet.  I'll never be able to walk a cat walk or red carpet, but I'll be that person who walks next to you, lifting you up.  Inner beauty always has a way of making the outward appearance of a person, beautiful.  Trust me when I say, you're one of the beautiful people too.

    

Are you be able to Forgive?

“Forgiveness is a beautiful idea – until you have something to forgive.” (C.S.Lewis) 

  Forgiveness, the one thing Christ commanded us to do, and the one thing that sometimes almost feels like it will kill us if we do.  Especially if the one we need to forgive is ourselves.  Somewhere along the way of life I ingrained, in my conscience, a very untrue idea about God.  The idea that if we fall through sin, that if we're not perfect, or don't pray in the perfect way, we're not acceptable to God.  Yeah, I know, it sounds weird, right?  Don't ask me how I got that idea, I just don't know.  I guess a person could call it scrupulosity.  Now, being scrupulous in and of itself isn't a bad thing.  We need to be discerning.  It's when that scrupulosity causes us to have a negative view of God, that it becomes a problem.  We place our human limitations on God.  It also becomes a problem when we worry too much about what other people think of us.  Would they still love me if only they knew I did such and such.  Does God still love me knowing I did such and such.  Forgiveness, forgiving others as well as forgiving ourselves is an essential part of who God calls us to be.

  Your friend or relative is an alcoholic.  Maybe it's you that's realized your an alcoholic.  The pain that has been caused to everyone is very fresh and very real.  They or you've started a 12 step program and ask for forgiveness.  How do you truly forgive that person or yourself?  You've just found out your sibling or very best friend has had an abortion.  Or maybe it's you, through your brokenness that's aborted your own child.  How do you offer forgiveness to them or begin to forgive yourself?  You might be living in a difficult or adulterous marriage, time after time you're hurt and rejected.  How do you forgive your spouse?    Last year Pope Francis in his Sunday Angelus, said, "the “joy of God” is ultimately found in pardoning another for his wrongdoing, just as in the parable of the Prodigal Son...What is the joy of God? It is to forgive!”.  In forgiveness, in this teaching “is the whole Gospel, it is all of Christianity!”  Forgiveness, he warned, “is not a sentiment – it is not 'feeling good' – on the contrary, mercy is the true force that can save man and the world from the cancer that is sin, bad morality or bad spirituality.  Only love fills up the emptiness, the negative chasms that evil opens in hearts and in history.”  Pope Francis encouraged “Everyone in silence think of someone with whom things aren’t going well: someone we are angry at, someone we don’t wish well. Think of this person, and in silence in this moment let’s pray for this person and become merciful towards this person.”  So we recognize there are some serious things to forgive, and we remember the words in the Our Father.  "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us".  These words are so hard to live out to completion, especially when our temperament, personality, and life experiences pushes us to do otherwise.  So what can we do when faced with otherwise unforgivable things?

Prayer!

  This should be our first resort, not our last.  We can only live out forgiveness if we're bolstered in prayer.  Prayer not just for ourselves, but for the other person(s).  Whoever has been involved in our hurt.  We're not merely asked to forgive, we're commanded to forgive.  As the father forgave the prodigal son, as God has forgiven us from the cross.  We all have received the mercy and forgiveness of God, from the moment we sinned, we cannot do less.  St. Paul said, " Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ Forgave you.”Ephesians 4:31-32  Mercy, peace, and hope will never penetrate our hearts of stone, they must be softened though forgiveness first.  Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight.  Pray for the person who's hurt you.  Pray that you may accept and feel God's forgiveness for our own faults.  We just need to ask.

Realizing What Forgiveness is!

  As Pope Francis noted, forgiveness is not an emotion, but an act of the will.  Forgiveness doesn't mean you'll all of a sudden be filled with rosy feelings.  You may still hurt, you'll always remember, but you are choosing to free yourself of the pain and burden of holding onto anger, resentment, and turmoil.  You are are offering everything up to God and letting go, freeing yourself, and also freeing the other person to make things right.  Now, that doesn't mean just because you forgive a person or a hurt, they will all of a sudden realize what they have done.  They may never repent, and while it's sad, their making it right is not what forgiveness is.  That is reconciliation.  While that is the ultimate goal for all of us, to forgive or be forgiven, and make it right, reconciliation is not necessary to forgive.    If we desire to become like Christ, then as Christ forgave the very men who nailed him to the cross, we must also forgive.  "For there are three ways of performing an act of mercy: the merciful word, by forgiving and by comforting; secondly, if you can offer no word, then pray - that too is mercy; and thirdly, deeds of mercy. And when the Last Day comes, we shall be judged from this, and on this basis we shall receive the eternal verdict."  Saint Faustina Kowalska

Letting Go of the Hurt!

  Letting go of the pain so you can forgive is so very difficult.  It can be hard, especially if the hurt is deep, but don't fixate on the person who hurt you.  If you are having difficulty forgiving yourself, and your self talk is negative and hateful, nip it in the bud.  Ask Christ the divine healer and physician to take these thoughts away from you.  Focus on something else.  Go for a walk.  Make a trip to adoration.  Journal your feelings on paper and then give them over to God.  If you can't let go of the pain, that pain will eat you alive and you'll be bitter and depressed.  God, as your heavenly Father, loves you and only wants what is good for you.  Resentment and hate are like cancers that eat away at our souls.  Remember, oh please remember, we are all sinners.  It's so easy for any one of us to think we'd make a different decision, or never would treat others that way.  In reality, we all come from different places, different family dynamics, and different levels of spiritual maturity.  We should never get caught in the trap of, "But I would never!".  It's dangerous ground.  Sure, you say, it's easy for offenses that happen every so often, but what of those that are constantly happening over and over.  What then?  Well, I say, no it's not easy, and it will test your will like nothing else will.  To be able to say, "Lord, I am being hurt time and time again, please forgive that person for me and through me because I am in so much pain I can't do it myself right now".  Remember forgiveness isn't about excusing your own actions or someone else's actions.  It's about letting go and giving to God something that he freely and lovingly gives to us.  If we make it a habit it will change our lives and perhaps even the lives of the people around us.  I want to share with you something powerful, something that has the potential to change your life. 

A Litany for our Deepest Hurts 

Leader:Because there are pains that do not heal as physical pain does with time, surgery, or medication, we are engaged in this spiritual covenant in anticipation – now or soon – of eventual healing of our spirits.

Response:I accept and enter this covenant as if I were beginning a brand new journey in life.

Leader:The deeper the hurt, the longer the journey, whether in minutes, hours or days, to that healing destination  brought about by forgiveness and release.

Response:I promise to move in that direction.  I may not move as fast as you think I should, but today or daily I will release and surrender either all or some part of this cumbersome weight.

Leader:These hurts have many names such as bushwhacked, waylaid, back-stabbed, slandered, deceived, etc., and none hurt like that received from a perceived friend.

Response:I will cease giving it a name and simply reject anything in my mind and spirit that is counterproductive to what God has planned for me.

Leader:Ceasing to dwell on this matter is not a matter of weakness, for it will free your time and mind.  Therefore, if  you are willing to stop looking back and instead face a forward direction, then our mighty God will be better  able to bless and direct a forward-moving life.

Response:Because I know you are right, I hereby give up to God my so-called “rights” I have attached to my hurts,  knowing He will deal with those involved while also leading me “in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.”

   Forgiveness is something that can change your life.  It's not a once and done.  It takes a lifetime to live out.  It's a journey, and no, God knows we're not going to be perfect.  He knows we're going to fall.  What matters is that we pick ourselves up, shake off the dust, and try again.  It's when we constantly seek to know and love God, that we will be able to know and love ourselves.  When we see Christ reflected in others or ourselves we'll be able to experience the love he wants to shower on us.  It's always our own selves blocking the peace, love, and hope that God wants for us.  We need to be able to forgive, even the most horrific offenses that we've committed or others have committed to be able to experience the "Joy of God", as Pope Francis so beautifully stated.   

~Force yourself, if necessary, always to forgive those who offend you, from the very first moment. For the greatest injury or offence that you can suffer from them is as nothing compared with what God has pardoned you”.~  St. Josemarie Escriva

  

Life is an experience, not a race

  The home school year is so hectic for us, that I was really looking forward to a lot of at home days this summer.  Trying to tame the chaos around the house that creeps forward in an unrelenting tide. Not having somewhere to drive or some appointment to meet almost every day of the week.  The first week of July is about to come to a close and I might actually be more stressed out than during the school year.  I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the stress I'm feeling is because my life has become about checking that next thing off my list instead of experiencing every moment, every day, as something unique to be cherished.  Today is done and I can check tasks off my list, but how much of it was I actually present for?  
     I am besieged by guilt every time I say, "No, I can't read a book to you now honey, I have to do the dishes", "No, I don't feel like playing with you just right now I need to sweep the floor the umpteenth time today".  Taking care of the home is important, don't get me wrong.  We've all got to have clean clothes, clean dishes, and some semblance of order.  I've just been realizing lately that there are just not enough hours in the day to be and do everything I need.  I can't have a spotless house at the expense of my family.  I can't home educate to the exclusion of all else.  I can't be so totally focused on the family that the house goes by the wayside.  Never mind finding time to squeeze in for me, just me.
   It's so easy to feel like a failure by the end of the day.  We place the bar so high and there simply isn't enough hours in the day to do and be everything we think we should.  We tell ourselves if only we were better organizers, or more patient, or more of this, more of that, then surely we would be better wives, better mothers, better home educators, better at our careers.  We have our long lists of things that must get done and berate ourselves when hardly anything at all gets accomplished by the end of the day.  So inevitably, we go to bed adding all the things undone from today to our already long list for tomorrow.  Is it any wonder we walk around tired, stressed, and constant worry warts?  Does He want us to live out life this way?  I hardly think so. 
  So what are we supposed to do?  I think most importantly we can give our day to Christ.  The beginning of our day and the end of our day.  The beginning so that we're not trying to plod through it under solely our own power.  The end so that we can give everything to him.  Everything done and not done, our heavy burden handed over to him to carry and dispose of at his will.  This all so we can wake refreshed and start the next day anew.  Let us also not forget to rest in Mother Mary's arms.  Our heavenly Mother can carry us when we can no longer carry ourselves.  There are some other things we can do to nourish and fill ourselves.  I mean, how can we give and give and give if we are not constantly filling ourselves.  It just doesn't work.  It's also not how God wants us to live our lives.  Some important things to do every day:
Do something for yourself
1. Emotionally
2. Something spiritually
3. Something physically
4. Something mentally

  Emotionally we must fill ourselves every day.  It's next to impossible to be fully present and loving if our emotional tanks are empty.   I think one of the simplest things you can do is find out your love language.  How do you experience  and feel loved?  It's probably not the same way your spouse or kids feel and experience love.  Knowing what your love language is can help your spouse and others fill your tank so you can more easily give of yourself to others.  Another good trait to know about yourself is your temperament.  Your temperament colors your whole perspective on life, and also how we communicate.  Does going on a walk help to replenish your reserves?  Do it!  Sure ideally it would be alone, but if you're like me and you can't, go with your kids.  It'll boost everyone's mood.  Do you need a cup of coffee in the morning before you can utter a word?  Trust me, you're in good company.  Fill yourself emotionally, it's important.
  Our spiritual life so important.  Prayer is the living relationship we have with God.  If we don't go a day without communicating with our family and friends, then neither should we go that long without conversing with God.  Prayer doesn't help God to know us better.  He is already the author of all our days.  Prayer helps us get to know Him better.  By knowing God better, we can also know ourselves better.  Prayer helps to fortify us against the daily storms of life.  Storms are going to come, but we'll feel a lot better if we have an anchor that holds us fast instead of being tossed about, becoming battered and beaten down.  Prayer, the Sacraments, Adoration, Holy Mass, these are our spiritual food.
  Our physical bodies very much influence how we feel about everything else.  I used to be to athletic.  I swam competitively till I was 18,  played lacrosse in college, and trail running was a favorite pastime.  Long gone are those days and the size 9 fit and healthy body that went with it.  Undiagnosed hypothyroidism, PCOS, knee surgery, and yo-yo dieting totally wrecked my metabolism.  Four kids and not much in the way of intense exercise later and I feel totally unmotivated to do much in the way of physical exercise.  Walk, we can all walk.  Studies show that even just 10 minutes of exercise can help lift our mood.  So join me and get up and get out.
  Being mentally stimulated is so necessary, especially if you're at home with young kids all day.  When I start using the grammar of my four year old and I without even thinking, ask my husband if he's gone potty before we leave the house, I know it's time to start re-entering the adult world.  Don't turn down a Mom's Night Out.  Call a friend to make a play date.  Seriously, we all know play dates are really for Mom's anyway.  The kids can play and the mom's can have some adult conversation.  Make a wish list of some books that you think you'd be interested in.  Try to find subjects that stimulate and inspire you.  Don't think you have time to read?  10 minutes.  Read a good book for 10 minutes a day.  It's really hard at first,  your brain needs a little retraining and stretching.  If you can swing it, maybe take that painting class you've always wanted.  Take up the hobby you've been meaning to try.  Remember, you were you long before you were a wife or mother.  
  Remember, Jesus in all his wisdom said," Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil".  Matthew 6:34  To worry is to be human.  God invites us to lay his worry on him.  He shows us how, by trusting in his love and mercy, our burdens are made so much lighter to bare.  Cherish every moment.  Even the bad moments.  We are on this earth for such a short time.  We're not meant to race through life.  We are called to experience the wonder, beauty, and soul that fills this earth.  When we're called home to the Lord are we going to remember that spotless house, the balance of our banking account, the nice car we drove, the hours put in at the office, the fact that we actually finished an entire years worth of curriculum?  No.  We're going to remember the smile on our daughters face when she was four.  The frog our son caught with his own hands.  The time your spouse surprised you with flowers and a night out.  Our relationships are what is going to matter.  Are we so busy accomplishing things every day that me miss everything else?  Life is meant to be experienced friends, not raced through in frantic worry.  So stop yourself, slow down, and drink in the sweetness.  It's all around you.