When Consecrating Yourself to Mary is so Hard

     On the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, December 8th, I finally completed my Consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary.  I used 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley.  It only took about a half dozen times of starting and fizzling out at varying points of preparation, over the last several years.  I didn't want to make the consecration without preparing myself.  I guess I was finally ready.  You wouldn't think it would be so difficult to soak in all that beautiful meditation and make such a seemingly easy commitment to Mary.
     I would always come across this or that mediation and something would just burn inside me and I'd predictably fizzle out of the preparation.  One of the hardest things for me to read and digest was about suffering.  How those individuals who consecrate themselves to Mary often have more crosses, but that Mary makes them light and sweet to carry.  Uh, yeah, like I need MORE suffering and crosses in my life.  Cross = suffering = pain = humiliation = despair = definitely not for me.  Lord, I have enough on my plate thank you very much.  When you have darkness in your soul and life, you don't want to embrace it, you want to escape it, solve it, get rid of it.  For various reasons over the last few years, God has really challenged me, and called me to deepen my trust in him.  Not like I have trust issues or anything...wink....wink.  God as loving Father is a wounded image for me, but in the process of healing.  Something I read in the book spoke to me and really convicted me.  Here's the section, "Mother Teresa began to experience "such terrible darkness" in her soul, "as if everything were dead". At times, it seemed unbearable, she frequently found herself on the brink of despair. After a conversation with a holy priest, she realized that her painful longing was actually a share in the thirst of Jesus: "For the 1st time in 11 years I have come to love the darkness. For I believe now that it is a part, a very, very small part, of Jesus' darkness and pain on earth."  It made me realize that if I am every going to be truly free, I must embrace the crosses that are sent my way.  Mother Teresa experienced darkness to the end of her days, but she embraced it and loved it.  She considered it as a kiss from Jesus on the cross.  Alrighty then, even though I'll fail many times, I'll try to do the same. 
     I also realized in this process just how much of a control freak I am and still want to pridefully tell God what the best way is.  Fr. Gaitley explained how when we consecrate ourselves to Mary, we give her the merit of all our offerings and prayers to use as she see's fit.  That when we die and appear in judgement before God we will appear before Him with empty hands, but with Mary by our side.  So, once again I felt that burning inside me.  You mean to tell me if I offer up a suffering for a particular person, my offerings don't go to the person, but to where Mary assigns the graces are needed the most???  Well, how is that going to help me out?  My biggest problem was that I was assigning human nature to the original sin free nature of Mary.  In the real world, sometimes you're generous, and you don't get back what you give.  Sometimes people make promises and never keep them.  Sometimes, if you don't care for yourself, no one else will.  You might say, well duh, we're talking about the heavenly realm, not the earthly one.  I think we can all admit though, that sometimes we assign the feelings of our human nature to God.  That's why we feel anxiety, fear, trepidation, you name it.  That's why it was hard to trust that Mary would shower graces on my family and those I pray for.  O.k., Mary.  Since you always point to your Son, Jesus, and since your mother's heart is a gazillion times more generous than mine, and since you love me more than I could every know, take my hand and lead me to your Son.  Take what I have, all I am, and I'll trust you to all the heavenly goodness you have to shower on me and those I love.  O.k., so I'll admit it.  I don't have the foresight God has, darn it.  
     It's been a lot of painful growth on my part, and throwing caution to the wind, so to speak.  To have a radical trust, hope, and love in the goodness and mercy of God, through Mary.  I know to some it can seem like a blind trust.  I went into this with eyes wide open, and I think because my eyes and my heart were open I was finally ready to commit to Jesus through Mary.  I pray for your journey as well.