It all started with the earrings

     It did, I promise.  I stood in front of the mirror and tried putting on a pair of earrings.  Truthfully I haven't worn earrings in years.  You know, several sets of little fingers tugging on ears.  Using an alcohol wipe on the back of my right ear, I was able to push the earring though with little effort.  I could not, for the life of me, no matter what I tried, push the earring though my left ear.  For the last 10 years I have put myself and my own needs behind everyone else.  This year I've been left feeling worn very thin, with not even fumes left to run on.  Now, while we as mothers are called to sacrifice for our families, God also wants us to take care of ourselves.  I struggle with balance because I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person.  This problem with my left ear left me thinking. I definitely was not taking care of myself.  Yes, I know, it's just a closed hole.  I've been thinking about all the other "closed holes" that are in my life.   I have defined myself as wife/mother for so long that I forgot I was me, long before I was either of those things.  It was showing.  My lack of care for myself, and what really brought it to my attention was a little closed hole in my left ear.
     I don't like New Year's resolutions.  Who the heck keeps those things anyway.  I never think in terms of slow progress.  Either everything changes or nothing does.  It's really impossible though, to make a huge list of things you'd like to improve or start and then try and tackle them all at once.  Or I'm famous for forgetting or making mistakes a few times and then throwing everything out the window because I obviously just can't do it or I wouldn't have messed up so often.  Yeah, it's complicated being me.  I know.  However, here we are at the threshold of the New Year.  Closed ear hole and all, just a couple of days before the New Year.
     I really wanted to wear earrings again.  To feel gussied up again, so to speak.  So I went out and had my left ear re-pierced.  It may not be true for everyone, but it makes me feel more feminine.  More me.  It is progress.  A small step toward finding my old self again.  Really, for the first time, I'm happy with small progress.  I guess it's only taken a life filled with ups and downs, joys and disappointments, 13 years of marriage and 4 kids to get it into my stubborn head.  I guess it really all comes down to living life purposely.   So in that spirit of optimism, I'm choosing to make some resolutions this coming year.
I choose Love, I choose Hope, I choose Faith, and I choose Health.  Yes, I know, it sounds like a cop out, to list a bunch of generalizations.  It's not, I assure you.  Usually I get so caught up in the small things I have a hard time seeing the bigger picture.  I'm choosing these things because they are what I need to work toward to become the person God intended me to be.  New Year's resolutions are usually finite goals.  I don't live in a finite world.  My world is big and constantly in motion.  I'm going to work toward the big picture this coming year.  I'm going to let God lead me by the hand, taking small steps if necessary.  I have some pretty high mountains to climb.  For once I don't think they are insurmountable.  Consecrating myself to Mary this December, and all that I have and am belongs to her, to present before Jesus, to use as His will deems fit.  Who knows, perhaps it's Mary spurring this whole new attitude.  Through the simple desire to wear a pair of earrings, I've discovered so much more.  Much love to you, and God Bless you on your journey.


    

Speaking the Language of Virtue with Your Kids

 "A virtue is an habitual and firm disposition to do the
good. It allows the person not only to perform good acts,
but to give the best of himself. The virtuous person tends
toward the good with all his sensory and spiritual powers;
he pursues the good and chooses it in concrete actions."(Catechism of the Catholic Church - 1803)   

     Speaking the language of virtue with our kids makes them more other focused than me focused.  In this season of Advent when we're preparing for the birth of our savior Jesus Christ.  I've really been thinking about virtue and how to impart that on my kids.  I know that we must not just talk the talk, but walk the walk.  I don't think we can get away with one or the other, action always precipitates thought.  Reminding that God gives freely to us, so even if we ourselves have next to nothing, we always have something to give.   The home is the first school of community, what better place to start. 
     We used to learn about people who had strong moral character, now we are flooded with Kim Kardashian and Jersey Shore.  Babies, toddlers, and young children are very self centered, and thank goodness for that.  They need to be to have their needs met.  It's how they learn to trust, individuate and develop into their own little person.  Entering into the preschool years and beyond the language of virtue is so very important.  We are at the ground level of helping to build their characters. 
     Now, this is all coming from the queen of selfishness.  Yes, that would be me.  What, you want water now???  I just sat down to eat my food that is already cold!  Audible sigh, audible sigh, mumble, mumble, mumble.  Sometimes I wonder where I've gone wrong because there is more fighting going on between the kids than between cats and dogs.  Hardly the picture of virtue.  It's crazy isn't it?  To expect perfection from our kids when we're hardly perfect ourselves.  The only perfection we'll achieve, that I know of, is when we are allowed to enter those pearly gates.
     Thank goodness for confession, forgiveness, and most of the time, the chance to make it right.  So when we have kids, we can pretty much be guaranteed to cover the entire gamut of vices and their opposite virtues in a day.  And I'm not just talking about the kids.  So what virtues might we want to impart to our kids.  Well, the list can get extensive but here's a good list to start with.

Humility
Kindness
Forgiveness
Diligence
Charity
Temperance
Chastity 
Sincerity
Perseverance

     So often we hear people say to kids, "So what do you want to be/do when you grow up".  I used to be guilty of this too.  The language of virtue sets a different tone not only with ourselves, but our kids.  It leads us to ask what gifts God has given us?  It leads us to ask what plan does God have for me and the gifts he's given to me?  It leads us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  I think no matter what statistics you hear on the news, kids always look to us as their first and best teachers.  They may not say much as they get older, but believe you me, they sure as heck are watching.  Virtues bring good into a value neutral world.  Give me the virtuous over someone who has "values" any day.
     It starts simple and young.  "Johnny, I know it was so hard for you to give half your cookie to your sister.  I am so proud of you for being so generous and kind."  As our kids get older, the complexity of issues and feelings get bigger.  Values are subjective while virtues are objective.  We want our kids to do and choose the right thing irregardless of their feelings.  There will always come a day when our kids have to choose between doing what is right no matter how humiliating and going along because it's the easier way.  Virtues that have been cultivated over time will help them be able to overcome these challenges.  If they make mistakes, even serious ones, which they are going to do, there are the virtues of humility and forgiveness to heal the wounds.
     We are all works in progress.  I'll probably fail more times than succeed, but I'm going to try my best to speak the language of virtue in my home, and trust God to fill in the gaps.  I'd love to hear your resources and how you've worked to impart virtues in your homes.  Peace be with you and God bless you on this journey.

Beauty Through Your Child's Eyes

     I'm sure we've all heard people say so and so is "living vicariously through their child".  They can live some of the glory of that child's accomplishments.  Saying that about someone has a pretty negative connotation because it's usually the parent pushing the child to live their own unfulfilled dreams.  Today, my daughter attended her first all girls tea party.  Good golly it's all she talked about for days.  We counted down and when this morning finally came she popped up in bed and asked if it was time for her tea party.  I couldn't help but smile and feel such overwhelming joy as she giggled and did silly little girl things while she sampled the yummy treats on her plate and talked to the little girl seated next to her.  I tried to image what was going on in that little head of hers.  There was a little spark in those beautiful hazel eyes.  No matter what happened yesterday, earlier in the day, or what might happen tomorrow, for that moment in time she was joyful and perfectly content.
     When we're young the world is big and fresh.  The smallest things give the greatest joys.  As evidenced by the many calls of the kids constantly clamoring, " Mama look at this, Mama look at that."  It is so easy to let life get heavy.  To let life get cluttered so that we can hardly find the joy in it any more.  The never ending laundry, dishes, driving kids all over God's creation, appointments, work, worry over finances, all kinds of negative circumstances that happen to befall us.  I think such a wonderful lesson can be learned if we look at life as our children do.  They could have had a disappointment or fight with a sibling and hour ago, but most of the time they are able to let it go and take the joy in the moment they are in, and live it to the fullest.
     Let's not hope for joy, let's take joy and own it and live it.  Let's spread it to the people around us.  No matter what, there is always beauty and joy around us.  Sometimes it's a little harder to see or grasp, but it's there nonetheless.  Make the commitment to love anyway, to find the joy anyway, to see the beauty always.  The more you do, the more it will change your life for the better.  Like Corrie Ten Boom said, "Thank God for the fleas!"

When Consecrating Yourself to Mary is so Hard

     On the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, December 8th, I finally completed my Consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary.  I used 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley.  It only took about a half dozen times of starting and fizzling out at varying points of preparation, over the last several years.  I didn't want to make the consecration without preparing myself.  I guess I was finally ready.  You wouldn't think it would be so difficult to soak in all that beautiful meditation and make such a seemingly easy commitment to Mary.
     I would always come across this or that mediation and something would just burn inside me and I'd predictably fizzle out of the preparation.  One of the hardest things for me to read and digest was about suffering.  How those individuals who consecrate themselves to Mary often have more crosses, but that Mary makes them light and sweet to carry.  Uh, yeah, like I need MORE suffering and crosses in my life.  Cross = suffering = pain = humiliation = despair = definitely not for me.  Lord, I have enough on my plate thank you very much.  When you have darkness in your soul and life, you don't want to embrace it, you want to escape it, solve it, get rid of it.  For various reasons over the last few years, God has really challenged me, and called me to deepen my trust in him.  Not like I have trust issues or anything...wink....wink.  God as loving Father is a wounded image for me, but in the process of healing.  Something I read in the book spoke to me and really convicted me.  Here's the section, "Mother Teresa began to experience "such terrible darkness" in her soul, "as if everything were dead". At times, it seemed unbearable, she frequently found herself on the brink of despair. After a conversation with a holy priest, she realized that her painful longing was actually a share in the thirst of Jesus: "For the 1st time in 11 years I have come to love the darkness. For I believe now that it is a part, a very, very small part, of Jesus' darkness and pain on earth."  It made me realize that if I am every going to be truly free, I must embrace the crosses that are sent my way.  Mother Teresa experienced darkness to the end of her days, but she embraced it and loved it.  She considered it as a kiss from Jesus on the cross.  Alrighty then, even though I'll fail many times, I'll try to do the same. 
     I also realized in this process just how much of a control freak I am and still want to pridefully tell God what the best way is.  Fr. Gaitley explained how when we consecrate ourselves to Mary, we give her the merit of all our offerings and prayers to use as she see's fit.  That when we die and appear in judgement before God we will appear before Him with empty hands, but with Mary by our side.  So, once again I felt that burning inside me.  You mean to tell me if I offer up a suffering for a particular person, my offerings don't go to the person, but to where Mary assigns the graces are needed the most???  Well, how is that going to help me out?  My biggest problem was that I was assigning human nature to the original sin free nature of Mary.  In the real world, sometimes you're generous, and you don't get back what you give.  Sometimes people make promises and never keep them.  Sometimes, if you don't care for yourself, no one else will.  You might say, well duh, we're talking about the heavenly realm, not the earthly one.  I think we can all admit though, that sometimes we assign the feelings of our human nature to God.  That's why we feel anxiety, fear, trepidation, you name it.  That's why it was hard to trust that Mary would shower graces on my family and those I pray for.  O.k., Mary.  Since you always point to your Son, Jesus, and since your mother's heart is a gazillion times more generous than mine, and since you love me more than I could every know, take my hand and lead me to your Son.  Take what I have, all I am, and I'll trust you to all the heavenly goodness you have to shower on me and those I love.  O.k., so I'll admit it.  I don't have the foresight God has, darn it.  
     It's been a lot of painful growth on my part, and throwing caution to the wind, so to speak.  To have a radical trust, hope, and love in the goodness and mercy of God, through Mary.  I know to some it can seem like a blind trust.  I went into this with eyes wide open, and I think because my eyes and my heart were open I was finally ready to commit to Jesus through Mary.  I pray for your journey as well.

Ten Reasons Marriage Is The Best No Matter What

     Last in the 3 part series on the vocational crisis of marriage.  Life is hard sometimes.  It just is.  Life is also good and beautiful and full.  So no matter the state of any one person's marriage, terrific or hurting, marriage is the best no matter what.  Not to disparage living singly in the world or the religious life.  All vocations are good, but, being a married woman, I'm of course partial.  So without further blathering.....

# 10}  You live longer.  Yep, seriously.  Ok, it's not totally understood why, but married people tend to live longer on average.  Particularly men, who might live on average an extra seven years.  Ladies, you might add an extra 3 years.  Could it be the long lost fountain of youth?

#9}  You're happier.  The roller coaster of dating is pretty stressful at times.  Marriage gives a calmer, more stable love, rather than the stressful infatuation that often accompanies dating.

#8}  You're less likely to suffer from depression and mental health problems.  It's true.  There's some strong links to the increased love and joy in married life and the decrease of mental health issues. 

#7}  You'll likely have lower stress levels.  Super high stress can increase blood pressure.  Some studies have found that those who are happily married have lower levels of stress which leads to better blood pressure.    

#6}  Does suffering fewer illnesses and fewer doctor visits sound good to you?  Happily married people have higher levels of antibodies in their blood.  The loving relationship created in marriage seems to boost the immune system.  Cool, huh?!?

#5}  Sex.  Ok, you knew this had to be in here somewhere.  Marital sex helps bond a couple together and build trust.  Sex reduces stress, increases self esteem, and floods the body with oxytocin.  The two become one flesh, literally.  What could be more beautiful and holy!

#4}    Marriage decreases the likelihood of domestic violence.  Yes, there are always exceptions, but domestic violence is about 10% higher in cohabitating couples vs married couples.  Married men tend to have lower levels of testosterone which tends to reduce risky, aggressive behavior as well as infidelity.

#3)  The Church teaches that marriage "helps to overcome self absorption, egoism, pursuit of one's own pleasure, and to open oneself to the other, to mutual aid and to self giving" (Catechism of the Catholic Church #1609)  So, in marriage, good is ordered not only toward the children of the marriage, society, but to the married persons themselves.

#2}  Marriage models the Trinity.  Yes!  "Like the Persons of the Trinity, marriage is a communion of love between co-equal persons, beginning with that between husband and wife and then extending to all members of the family...Just as the Trinity of persons is a life-giving communion of live both in relationship to one another and to the whole of creation, so a married couple shares in this life-giving communion of love by together procreating children in the conjugal act of love" pgs 36-37 USCCB’s pastoral letter entitled, “Marriage – Love and Life in the Divine Plan”   What could be more beautiful.  Marriage in particularly encourages better relationships between parents and children.  Especially between fathers and their children.

#1}  It just is.  No matter how loving or how desperate the marriage.  God loves you and your spouse equally.  No matter what, and thank goodness for that.  In marriage, we have a wonderful purpose in life.  To participate in saint making and heaven going.  By our self sacrificial love, we become the face of Christ to our spouse and to our children. Children being on of the best parts of marriage.  Who couldn't love those little monkeys.

So to leave you with profound funny......

Created by Angela2041003

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The Abscence of Hope

     Depression and chronic pain.  Sometimes you'll see it written on my face, sometimes you won't.  Most often not.  Not because I am especially strong.  In fact, I'm pretty wimpy.  Wimpy and whiny.  Without even realizing it, I'm living God's will in my life, at this moment.  Don't ask me what plans he has, certainly they were not mine.  I don't fight the pain much anymore.  It ebbs and flows and I ebb and flow with it.  I used to fight the pain.  That tendency is still there.  The tendency to give up hope.  To fight the pain as I turn round and round in my head asking myself why is this happening?  The tendency to give nothing of yourself because what little you have you guard like a thief.  I HATE, and I mean HATE when I hear people say, "well who am I to judge or who are we to judge".  Moral relativism, what I think is right and true for me is, there is no objective truth, only the subjective reality of my own hearts desires, fears, pleasures.
     A rose is so beautiful.  A rose though, has thorns, and those thorns can cause pain if they prick the skin.  But, if we want the rose, we have to take the flower with the thorns, the beauty with the pain. Yes, I'm aware it seems like a cavalier attitude.  It is an attitude forged in the fire.  Tempered by constant heating and cooling.  A person with a chronic illness, or a terminal illness, or a mental illness is suffering.  Mentally, physically, emotionally suffering.  Sometimes terrifically so.  If we aren't careful we can start to identify ourselves as our illness.  When we identify ourselves as our illness all we see is fear.  We need all remember that what illness a person is suffering from is an it, a thing, it is not that person. It is a beast that will consume not just your body but your soul if we let it.  “Suffering can bend and break us. But it can also break us open to become the persons God intended us to be. It depends on what we do with the pain. If we offer it back to God, he will use it to do great things in us and through us, because suffering is fertile.” Charles Chaput
     As crazy as it sounds.  Suffering is the very fertile ground needed for love and hope to grow.   The definition of Hope is to expect with confidence.  What do we expect?   I expect in my nothingness that God's fullness is shown.  I know the world looks different for those who don't have Christ at their center.  I know it, and it saddens me.  A person devoid of hope has no joy.  No one wants to suffer.  No one goes looking for it.  No one wants to see someone they love suffer.  Ever.  That suffering calls at you though doesn't it.  It begs you to call them and comfort them.  It begs you to sit by their bedside and try to ease their pain.  It begs you to stretch your heart more than you would if everything was ok.  It begs your prayers for them and their family, showering them with graces that wouldn't be there otherwise.  It begs you to serve the other.  It compels you.  That is the value in suffering.  If compels you to serve Christ by serving the one you love.  When we suffer we participate in the salvation of those around us.  Christ saved us by giving meaning to suffering.  It's an exercise in trust, and love in our Creator to offer that suffering for others.  For God's grace to flow through our pain.  
     That is the essence of hope, and that is what is missing when there is an absence of it.             

People are Basically Good and the World is Basically Safe.....Except when they aren't

     No matter what is going on in the world or what jerks or crazies are out there, I really and truly believe people are basically good and the world is basically a safe, wonderful place to be.   Except when it isn't.  Sometimes people have bad intentions or are downright evil.  Sometimes the world around us is safe and beautiful and we are perfectly at ease.  Sometimes, even places you think should be safe can hold untold danger.  No matter what, we can't live in a bubble or in a perpetual state of fear.
     Fear is such a primal state.  It serves a purpose by causing a fight or flight response.  Fear, however, is not a place we're meant to live.  Mostly because it is such a powerful emotion.  Fear involves not only the now, but the what if's of the future.  It denies there is hope, and goodness.  Recently, my family experienced a trauma.  As a parent, we wear our hearts on the outside of our bodies in the funny little shapes of our children.  When something happens, it is not as if it is happening to us, it is happening to us.  They are flesh of our flesh.
     It was one of those parenting moments when one of our children moves out of eyesight for truly what is a split second.  We call their name, no response.  We rapidly turn our heads like an owl, only not to see them.  We think we must know where they've gone, but when we look there, our hearts pound when they are not in sight.  Panic sets in.  A crazy mix of fear and anger start to take hold the more frantic you become.  Did you know that 800,000 children go missing per year?  Have you ever glanced at the flyers on your way out of Walmart?   This girl, gone missing at 2, this is what she'd look like today, 10 years later.  You think how horrible it must be for that family, as you look at your own child and continue your way out the door.
     Well, it happened to me.  Don't worry, there's a happy ending.  Hand in hand the man who had our child walked.    He walked into a back deserted parking lot at a local festival.  Already a good way into the lot, my husband caught up with him and laid him out.  He saved our precious child.  A child young enough to not know what was awaiting them.  Me, old enough to know what was going to happen.  "I promise you won't get hurt if you don't tell on me", echoed out of my baby's mouth, in a tiny voice, that just didn't get the heavy weight of those words.  Home.  Getting back home, with our children, into safety, was all I could think about.  You know, and maybe lock the doors because I had already lost one of them once that day.  To control the bits and pieces of life around me in some vain attempt to stop this out of control feeling.  Sleep.  I needed sleep.
     The next day I woke feeling as if I had been hit by a truck.  The flu?  No, I didn't have a fever.  One of my fibromyalgia flare ups?  No.  I realized as I sat in bed, it was fear trapped in my body.  Fear had served its purpose, but I wasn't letting it go.  The fear of having almost lost my child had served its purpose, but the fear was poisoning my body now.  Have you ever had daymares.  Where you are daydreaming, but it is all bad, just really bad.  The daymare where I was called into the morgue to identify my child.  Yes, I have a degree is stress, with a minor in wallowing in it, and am working hard on my masters in the worst what if's possible.   
     You know, there is always reason to hope.  I did not lose my child, but if I had, I would have had to celebrate their short life.  Thankful that I had the honor of being their mother.  Mostly importantly because each and every one of us is unique and had a very special purpose on this earth.  The world would be so very different if you or I didn't exist.  I've experienced a lot of death in my life.  Enough, that I should be spiraled down into a despair so deep not even God could release me.  We humans are resilient.  Remarkably so.  We have that spark of divine life in us.  We have the cross, but we also have the resurrection.  To know, that no matter how dark the night, there is the coming dawn.   It's ok.  I can bare pain, all types of pain, and still be ok.  I can trust that God can and does bring good out of the worst most horrific situation.
     I can.  I can trust.  I can trust God.  I can trust that God loves me as his own precious child.  He hurts when I hurt.  He sheds tears when I shed tears.  Oh the tears I shed!  We must love, cherish, appreciate, and experience.  The good and the bad.  We must not fear the bad.  We must not fear that the bottom will drop out of our goodness.  This life of ours is about seasons and changes.  The reality is that this life is sometimes hard, heartless, painful and cruel.  The purpose of this life is to live.  Live hope, live love, live to give comfort, live as Christ in this world.  In light of the cross, suffering makes sense, without it suffering is overwhelming and something to fear.  We can't choose the things that happen to us, but we can choose how we react to them.
     In that moment when I was sitting on the bed I chose to not let the fear of losing my child rule over me.  We could go crazy asking why.  Why is this happening?  Sometimes we have to choose to say I don't understand, there is no sense to this, then keep moving forward, even amidst the fear.  Jesus I Trust in You.  I trust.  I trust.  And it's true.  No matter what, I really believe that people are basically good and well meaning.  This world really is a beautiful place to live.  I'm not going to miss all the goodness and love in this world by giving pain and suffering their improper due.
     I believe, because I know the world is full of people like me, and the people that aren't are aberrations.   I'm not a fool, I know things could have turned out differently.  What I am in is not a state of denial.  Why some children have to suffer that fate and mine didn't is difficult to wrap my head around.  Even as the next day came and we headed out into the world, I knew it would be ok.  I'm not glad this happened, who would be.  However, I do know we'll all come out stronger on the other side, no matter what the outcome would have been.  We're still suffering lingering effects of that day, but we will heal from them.  We will heal, and we will continue living this beautiful life.      

The Abscence of Leisure

     I must admit, I am very much entertained by a new genre of t.v. shows coming out in droves lately.  Mountain Men, Live Free or Die, Alaskan Bush People, Alaska The Last Frontier, The Legend of Mick Dodge, and, well, there are so many of them.  O.k., probably mostly because most of the people seem a little kooky and eccentric.  I wonder just how that guy can live in a hut constructed out of sticks and leaves.  Got squirrel?  Uh, no thank you.  A little elk or venison is about as adventurous and I like to get.  What the heck drives people to a way of life the complete opposite as we now find ourselves in this age of electronics and innovation?  While I don't think I could forgo electricity and indoor plumbing, something also appeals to me about subsistence living.  Something deep yet simple. 
     It really is a simple life, not an easy one, but a simple life.  I kind of envy that.  If I could live in a space where I could have a large garden, some fruit trees, and some chickens, I'd be happy as a clam.  All the people of these shows have the same thing in common.  A life of "leisure".  Can a person exist and experience the fullness of human existence without leisure?  I honestly don't think so.  I am as guilty of it as the next person.  Can I just have coffee in the morning and look out the window and just be?  Heavens no!  I must be checking my email, while coordinating my calendar which is full to overflowing with good things, while I hush gabby children clamoring for attention.  Reassuring them that I am almost done if they could just give me five more minutes of peace.  Peace, ha!  I think the kids have the right idea some times, pulling me away from myself to a place of presence in the here and now.  Away from distraction.
     Whether all those people on all those shows even believe in God or not, I think they may be more attuned to God than they realize.  Appreciating the beauty of his creation so intimately.  being present in the here and now.  I think the hardest place to be is alone.  Alone without distraction and without direction.  To be and exist in a place of stillness, quiet, and real reflection.  They call it harmony with nature, but I think in a real way, whether they realize it or not, it's harmony with God. 
     We all read articles about the importance of unplugging, and we may even try it for an extended period every now and again.  I think it's important to make it a daily experience.  So in that spirit I leave you, and I think I'm going to take my own advice and head out with the kiddos into some nature and a little leisurely quiet..  Maybe we're not all as good at "listening" as we like to think.........and maybe we need to start trying to get that leisure back into out lives a little bit each day.

How to Change Your Spouse in 90 Days

     

  
     This is Part II of the series about the vocational crisis of marriage. I have been working on this one for a while because this subject is so deeply embedded into my heart and very personal to me. I think it is important to say that this article is about giving a voice to the countless men and women who fight the cultural tide to keep their family together despite serious problems and deepen their faith in a time where divorce for simply being "incompatible" is en vogue.  Being a spouse in a hurting marriage can often be a very isolating and dismissing experience.  It is sometimes very difficult for others to realize the depth of suffering some couples may be experiencing.  I think, as crazy as it sounds, healthy marriages and hurting marriages each have a very unique role in salvation.  For all of you who have healthy marriages, keep doing what you're doing.  You're a model for marriage as God intended it to be.  You show, most eloquently that, "the indissolubility of marriage flows in the first place from the very essence of that gift(of self): the gift of one person to another person." JPII Letter to families  You model Christ's love for his church.  For all of you in hurting marriages, you also have a special role in salvation.  You model what it means to take up your cross and follow Christ lovingly modeling him daily.  You are living proof that God can and does bring good out the darkest hurts.  You, more so than most, know what the marriage covenant means, how important it is, and you're fighting with all you have to keep it.  You have the unique opportunity to cooperate with God in the conversion of your spouse.  We all have a unique path to holiness, but the hurts are real, so lets keep moving forward.

     I'm sorry, I had to do it, the title was a wee bit charged.  Did I get your hopes up only to dash them?  Yes, I'm a big stinker.  The fact of the matter is, you cannot change your spouse.  In marriage, but especially in a hurting marriage we might be desperate for our spouse to change.  We go through our if only list.  You know the one I'm talking about.  If only they would help out around the house, I do it all alone.  Then I would feel valued.  If only they would work less, and be present to this family.  I wouldn't feel so lonely and dismissed.  If only they would not speak to me that way, I am not a child.   I would feel respected.  If only they would control their spending, I don't even have enough to buy food this week.  I wouldn't be so stressed out and feel powerless.  Our if only lists could be a foot long if you let them.  Now, do not misunderstand me.  Especially in hurting marriages there can be serious problems that need to be dealt with.  There can be monumental changes that need to occur for healing to take place.  All of those if only lists are real, legitimate problems that will erode away at a marriage over time.  Never mind the deeper problems of infidelity, addictions, abuse, narcissism, mental illness, pornography and the like.  What in the world can a spouse do to help their hurting marriage? 
      You must realize, however difficult, that the change that needs to occur is with you.  When you make healthy changes and the dynamics of your marriage change, your spouse will have one of three choices to make.  They will either realize what is at stake and make healthier changes in the relationship, resist and fight it tooth and nail but ultimately change, or sadly they may jump ship.  Keep in mind, change is not a one stop shop.  We're all on a continuum of change over the course of our life so we must be gentle and forgiving, most especially of ourselves.  No matter who we are, we all struggle and sometimes have difficult roads to travel.  God bless you on your journey! 

Prayer!

     Yes, prayer should always be our first resort, not our last.  I will admit, one of the hardest things for me to do when I'm suffering in any deep way is to pray.  When you're broken, Satan wants you to believe nothing will help.  To pray unselfishly when we're hurting is hard.  Really hard.  When the pain is deep, God as a loving Father is calling us near to him.  If we can't hear that call it is because we are blocking out His voice.  Just anger can turn to bitterness, impatience at our situation can cause us to doubt we are heard and feel hopeless.  A person I know, was in a hurting marriage, with very serious problems, for many years.  She prayed, sacrificed, and offered up for 23 years.  One night as she was in adoration she cried out to God that she had wasted the last 23 years of her life in unimaginable hurt and chaos, why wasn't anything changing.  She was ready to give up.  She told me in the deepest core of her soul she heard God speaking to her.  He told her, not to despair, this amount of time was what was needed for her husband's conversion and healing.  Her husband indeed came around, and eventually there was healing.  If you're in a hurting marriage it can feel hopeless.  You pray and offer up and sacrifice only to be let down again and again.  It is important to remember that God has greater knowledge than we ever will.  All your tears, sufferings, offerings, and prayers are providing God with graces to direct toward your spouse and their healing and conversion.  Never underestimate what effect the smallest sacrifice has on your marriage.  Your prayers have held back tides that otherwise would have washed over you and your children.

     Life happens.  The good, bad, and the ugly happens.  We can either drift and try to muddle through under our own limited power or we can pray and deepen our faith and let God gently hold our hands and guide us through the storm.  One very important thing to remember, your prayer is not about results.  What?!?  I thought I was praying and offering so that my spouse would change and our marriage would be healed.  Yes!  You are right, but, whether your spouse stays or leaves.  Whether they change or remain the same, there is one person your prayers are changing.  That person is you.  God is transforming you with the graces you need to deal with your particular situation.  God is drawing you near to his Sacred Heart, and you are allowing him to battle for you and work in your soul.  "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed." Psalm 34:19

     Frequent reception of communion, confession, and adoration are going to be the most powerful tools in your kit of healing.  Pride can also prevent us from asking others to pray for us.  Pride is a powerful barrier to grace. 
Action!

     “If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”Martin Luther King Jr.
     When you're in a hurting marriage and you feel stuck, one of the most important things you can do is pry yourself loose and move forward.  Despair and hopelessness are the enemies of healing and forgiveness.  Find a spiritual director, a good Catholic counselor, your parish priest, a 12 step program, whatever your circumstance there is hope and healing waiting for you to be open and willing to partake of it.  That does not mean there won't be plenty of hurts along the way.  You are the source of change in your marriage.  Sometimes it takes a lot of time to be ready for it, but when you are make sure you ask for God's guidance and graces.  Some resources include Retrouvaille, Marital Healing, and Al-Anon Families.  The source of all love and happiness is God.  I know.  It is terribly difficult though, when the one to whom you've promised to share your life with acts so unlovingly.  You can feel alone and unloved, that is why it is also important to surround yourself with people who will lift you up.     
  Just a disclaimer, if you have ever been the victim of physical abuse, it is not wrong or sinful to remove yourself or your children from the abusive situation.  God does not ever want any of his precious children to stay in a situation that threatens their life or health.  Acting to end the abuse does not end the marriage promises.

Me?
     Hi, yes, I'm talking about me.  Nope I'm not going to give any juicy tid bits on my marital life.  Yes, a hurting marriage is part of who I am.  I have developed an empathy that I probably would not have had, had it not been part of who I am.  It has altered my perspective on life and spirituality.  It has deepened and tested my faith in ways that have brought me closer to God.  I have said to myself on many an occasion, "I don't want to be Saint Monica, I don't want it Lord, I'm not strong enough".  God is OK with small steps, even if we fall backwards sometimes.  As long as we keep moving toward him and his will.  You know what, I am not strong enough.  On my own, I am weak and wishy washy.  It is only through bolstering myself in God's grace that I can stand fast against the storm.  It is only by trying to imitate Christ that I can see my spouse through His eyes, and love him as Christ loves him.  Truly, believe me when I say that, that simple fact has been a very hard lesson learned.  To see through the lense of Christ is something that takes time, but it is necessary.  Without viewing others through the lense of Christ, Immaculee llibagiza would never have been able to forgive those who murdered her family in the Rwandan holocost.  The best thing a person can do for someone in a hurting marriage is to pray from them daily, even if it's something as simple as, Lord walk with so and so today.  Call them up, offer them a cup of coffee, and shoulder to cry on.  Sometimes, God asks you to be His light in their darkness, not to solve their problems, but simply to listen and allow them to be heard.  I do love my spouse, incredibly so.  With spectacular love, can come spectacular pain, just ask Christ.           
    

The Trouble with Troubled Marriages

     This is the first article in a 2 part series on the vocational crisis of marriage.  I have thought long and hard about topics, because, let's face it, one could probably write a 12 volume set on marriage and it's deterioration in recent generations.  As Catholics we need to be aware that Satan loves nothing better than dividing and conquering. “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” Saint John Paul II.   I tell you, these were such prophetic words.  What I'm going to talk about in these articles isn't meant to be an in depth analysis on the deterioration of marriage in the western world.  There are some terrific books about that topic and I'll list them at the end of each article.  No, these articles are my heart to each and every one of yours, whether your marriage is terrifically normal or terrifically suffering.  What I'm going to say over the course of the series probably will make some people uncomfortable, and that's good. 

       

     Slander, gossip, and scandal.  Three words that will make any normal person cringe.  Show me a news headline that ends well with any of those words in the title.  Our culture is full of dysfunctional family glorifying junk.  We all know friends who truly have wonderful, loving, God filled marriages with normal conflicts and issues.  We also know people who only appear to have those types of marriages.  Looking from the outside in, they appear to have it all together.  You will see the posts on Facebook and Twitter of their fabulous vacation together,  the pictures tell a story of loving spouses doing things together, sharing time with their children.  I'll tell you right now, there are many faces of sadness behind those posts and behind those pictures.  They are trying to paint a glossy world, to hide their brokenness, but also because the friends, family, and couples around them are uncomfortable with the brokenness too.  Now I'm not talking about people who do slander, gossip, and try to cause scandal for their spouse by airing every detail of their dirty laundry publicly or make humiliating statements about them, with them in the same room.  I'm talking about those who genuinely are suffering.  We can be so afraid that by listening to a friend or couple in a troubled marriage that we are participating in slander, gossip, and scandal.  Or we are afraid they are looking to us to solve their problems, instead of simply listen, pray, support, and guide.  Or, deep down, we worry it could happen to us too.  We always have on our mind that we must take up our cross and follow Christ.  That suffering friend or sibling in a troubled marriage must be like one of the saints and suffer and offer up in silence.  That is just their cross they've been given.  I've never been to Vegas, but there probably is a drive through divorce in the same window as drive the through marriage.  In our throw away, disposable culture, we fear those troubled marriages.  We fear to be there for the people who carry burdens we might never imagine.

      People sometimes don't know what to say or think.  I mean if that person was like that before they got married surely they wouldn't have married them to begin with.  Don't they know the sanctity of marriage?  Haven't they tried studying about what God intended for marriage?  Don't they pray together?  Hey...I heard about that thing called Retrouvaille, that should work or maybe counseling.  I'll just say it.  One of the hardest things in life to do, is to live out a marriage covenant when the marriage is suffering deep trials.  Normal marriage, kids, work, and family life are hard enough to juggle on their own.  Great time and love and care must be invested into those relationships for them to thrive.  When you add an ailing marriage into the mix, the results can be devastating.  Men and women who are in hurting marriages, their daily life truly is a daily cross, even so, many seek to live out their marriage to the best of their ability.  Yet sadly, there is so little support to do so if their are serious problems.  Look around at the people who attend church with you next time you're at mass.  There are marriages suffering infidelity, alcoholism, narcissism, talk of separation, talk of divorce,  serious family of origin troubles, machismo, misogyny, and the list goes on.  You'll look and you might not even be able to pick them out.
     It makes us uncomfortable, to talk about those things. I support life.  I am Pro-Life, at all stages and ages.  We often forget that being Pro-Life is also about being pro life giving.  We need to be life giving, loving, and nurturing to those men and women around us who do suffer, who pick up their cross daily and follow Christ, and that cross is their marriage.  In an ideal world each spouse dies to self(their cross) for the service to the other out of love and respect.  In truly troubled marriages, this doesn't happen.  If you can imagine trying to be the spouse who dies to self daily and does not receive in return.  It is emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally exhausting.  You can be that fill for them.  You can bring the light and face of Christ into their darkness.  Don't be afraid of it, ask God how He can use you as an instrument of hope, light, and healing in their life.  "Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me."  Matthew 25:40  We were not meant to walk the paths of this earth alone.  We were made for love, and to live in love we must be in community. God will never be outdone in generosity.  What you give to others will be given back to you, and then some.      
      "For there are three ways of performing an act of mercy: the merciful word, by forgiving and by comforting; secondly, if you can offer no word, then pray - that too is mercy; and thirdly, deeds of mercy. And when the Last Day comes, we shall be judged from this, and on this basis we shall receive the eternal verdict."
--Saint Faustina Kowalska 

             

~What a dog can teach you about life, suffering, and love~

 

Toby

     When I was younger, every time I had cause to visit the mall, I'd stop by Pet City to look at the animals.  I love animals and for most of my childhood pretended to be the Vet that nursed all my sick toy animals back to heath.  We always had dogs, cats, and the odd animal at our house when I was growing up.  On one particular visit to the mall, I saw the cutest puppy.  He had such long legs and his coat looked as if someone accidentally spattered him with a paint gun.  So cute, but I was just looking, not buying.  Three weeks later and he was still there, I couldn't resist.  The blue ticked puppy with long legs and head that felt like bunny fur came home with me.  Yup, I had Toby longer than I've been married.  

     Today I had to bring my beloved Toby to the veterinarian to be put down.  His hips caused him a great deal of pain and he wasn't hardly eating anymore.  He either hid away from the family or paced around the house whining.  It....it was just time to let him go.   We brought him to his rest today, the kids and I.  As the sedation took effect and he started to drift off to sleep, Toby let out an audible sigh.  The first pain free rest he's had in a long time.  I knew then in my heart this was the right thing.  I stroked his soft, warm fur for the last time.  The real heart break was watching as my little Sarah wrapped her arms around his neck, in a warm baby embrace, as he slept.  I couldn't bear to stay for the actual euthanasia injection so I shuffled everyone out the side door.  I mean, they have a side door so none of the other pet owners get freaked out at the sight of a blubbering woman.  

His empty bed is the hardest to see

     I've been reflecting today why this loss is so hard for me.  I mean, he's just a dog right?  Why on earth should I be in tears through the course of the day over a dog.  Never mind he was in my life for over a decade, a comfortable, familiar fixture in my life.  I think above all else, pets can teach you to value life in a way that everyone gets.  Dogs in particular live to serve and they give without expecting more in return than a pat on the head and a comfortable place by your feet.  They get up the next day and do it again without resentment.  Isn't that how Christ called us to live?  To love, give, and serve without counting the cost, without expectations?  Doing the ordinary with extraordinary love.  Dogs of course can't reason to love in the human sense, but they are loyal beyond comprehension.  They have been known to lay down their life for their owner.  We as the stewards of creation and everything in it, should not take life lightly.  God never breathed the breath of life into animals, only for man was the privilege of a soul held.  That is why it's an act of mercy to end the suffering of an animal, because their suffering isn't salvific in nature. The taking of their life, even in mercy, is a thing to behold.  It fills you with a sure sense that there surely is a God greater than you that authored all life on this earth.

     Dogs can teach us to live in the present.  So often, people are stuck living in the past or worrying over the distant future.  Dogs don't think of yesterday's sorrows, and they don't worry themselves sick over a future they can't control.  They don't hold grudges and all they know is now.  How many time are we not fully present in the moment.  Fully present to our children, our spouses, even to God.  Distracted and multi-tasking ourselves into an early grave.  Be present and mindful of the day, and heed well Christ's words in Matthew, chapter 6, "25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?^o 27Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? 28Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. 29But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. 30 If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ 32All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. 34Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

     No matter how much physical suffering he endured, Toby carried on and lived his life to the fullest of his ability.  It's so easy for us to get sucked into the self defeating why me, why this, when will it be different attitude.  In life, you either learn to surf the waves,  or you'll get caught in the undertow and drown.  Suffering finds all of us, we can either choose to drag ourselves through it alone, or we can choose to be carried by Christ through it.  Never let a day go by without uniting your suffering to Christ's suffering on the cross.  Never let a day go by that you don't show those you cherish most just how much they mean to you.  Live life, live it with style.  Wear your heart of your sleeve and wear a smile on your face.  Life is beautiful, and to be cherished especially amidst suffering.  I'll miss you my Toby dog.  As much as for the reflection of what your short life has shown me, but most especially for your constant, enduring, loving companionship.  

     

    

Being comfortable in your own skin

     

     Yes, this is me.  All 5'7", 276lbs of me.  Truthfully, this is the heaviest I've ever been.  Thank you PCOS, you always make my life interesting.  Hey, I have an evolutionary advantage over many of you.  If there's ever a famine, I have a leg up on survival.  At least that's one of the theories floating around as to the genetic cause of PCOS.  Oh yeah, and don't forget the hirtuism (abnormal hair growth) it causes, that one is always fun.  Nope, despite what some might think, I don't double fist food into my mouth, or gorge on non-stop junk food binges.  Yes, I've been known to have a slice of pie with a hot cup of coffee for breakfast, or once, when we had been out all day and on the go, I downed half a container of Pringles as my dinner.  People's perception are almost always shaped by how they feel about themselves, super imposed onto others.  Ever notice that super skinny woman that's given birth to multiple children, but doesn't look like it a week after delivery?  No, she does not starve herself like you think.  No, she doesn't exercise 3 hours a day.  She eats normal food, has the body type God gave her, and yes, even splurges on that occasional slice of Whole Foods Berry Chantilly Cake.  Haven't tried it?  Do!  You can thank me for it later.  We are all unique, beautiful, and as God designed us to be.

     Shopping for clothes can be challenging.  One reason being, that because of my size, fashionable, non-granny clothing is hard to find.  Two being, because even though the clothes are really cute, they often have a way of exaggerating the flaws I dislike the worst.  The last reason being my body is hard to fit even in normal clothes, who knew I was normal fit from the waste down and petite on top.  Also, whoever thought of making super deep v-necks in plus size shirts causing me to look like a busty medieval bar maid should have their sewing machine taken away from them.   
     I can be a very self conscious person.  If you knew me you probably wouldn't realize that, but I am.  Most of the pictures you'll see of me are just showing my face.  Often, I am the one taking the pictures.  The reason?  I feel like a fit, athletic person, trapped in body that's not mine.  In my twenty's I was trim, fit, and despite that, I had a warped body image.  I'm a lot heavier now, a lot less fit, but I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.  Why?  My body has done some pretty amazing things.
     Over the years, I've trained my body pretty hard, and it's still going strong.  I used to swim competitively for many years.  I pushed my body during training and I'm amazed at what it withstood and how it performed.  I played lacrosse in high school and college.  I pushed the limits and sometimes my body groaned back with a few injuries here and there, but for the most part it gave me what I asked of it.  I still ask a lot of my body chasing after 4 kids amidst the myriad of physical issues I now have.
     My body has grown babies, and I have the stretchmarks to prove it!  It's pretty amazing to think about how a woman's body can grow an 8lb baby out of an egg the size of a pinhead.  My body has healed from multiple c-sections.  I've probably had more surgeries, including a knee surgery, in short span of time, than most people have had in a lifetime.  My body has withstood months straight of less than 4 hours of sleep a night and I'm still here to tell about it.  I've nursed and nourished all of my children, and I find it simply amazing that my body makes the perfect food, and not only that, but that my body is the ultimate way to comfort and give of myself to my children.  It's beautiful what your body can do.

     I am sexy, spontaneous, intelligent, spiritual, fun, empathetic, loving, and full of soul.  None of those things have to do with how my body looks.  I've met some pretty disturbingly shallow and self centered skinny, as well as, fat people.  Defining yourself by how you look is so different than defining yourself by who you are.  Yes, our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit so we should take the best care of them that we can, but to be fixated on our bodies to the neglect of our intellect and souls is disastrous.  People who judge me by my outside physique will sadly miss out on the depth that is me.

     I am one of the beautiful people, and not because I look like a super sexed up actress or model.  My beauty is in the smile lines in the corners of my eyes.  My beauty is in my hands, a little rough, but hands that have held, helped, hugged, and comforted.  My beauty is my apple shaped physique that has been stretched from growing babies.  My beauty is in my spirit which has been challenged, but not been crushed yet.  I'll never be able to walk a cat walk or red carpet, but I'll be that person who walks next to you, lifting you up.  Inner beauty always has a way of making the outward appearance of a person, beautiful.  Trust me when I say, you're one of the beautiful people too.

    

Are you be able to Forgive?

“Forgiveness is a beautiful idea – until you have something to forgive.” (C.S.Lewis) 

  Forgiveness, the one thing Christ commanded us to do, and the one thing that sometimes almost feels like it will kill us if we do.  Especially if the one we need to forgive is ourselves.  Somewhere along the way of life I ingrained, in my conscience, a very untrue idea about God.  The idea that if we fall through sin, that if we're not perfect, or don't pray in the perfect way, we're not acceptable to God.  Yeah, I know, it sounds weird, right?  Don't ask me how I got that idea, I just don't know.  I guess a person could call it scrupulosity.  Now, being scrupulous in and of itself isn't a bad thing.  We need to be discerning.  It's when that scrupulosity causes us to have a negative view of God, that it becomes a problem.  We place our human limitations on God.  It also becomes a problem when we worry too much about what other people think of us.  Would they still love me if only they knew I did such and such.  Does God still love me knowing I did such and such.  Forgiveness, forgiving others as well as forgiving ourselves is an essential part of who God calls us to be.

  Your friend or relative is an alcoholic.  Maybe it's you that's realized your an alcoholic.  The pain that has been caused to everyone is very fresh and very real.  They or you've started a 12 step program and ask for forgiveness.  How do you truly forgive that person or yourself?  You've just found out your sibling or very best friend has had an abortion.  Or maybe it's you, through your brokenness that's aborted your own child.  How do you offer forgiveness to them or begin to forgive yourself?  You might be living in a difficult or adulterous marriage, time after time you're hurt and rejected.  How do you forgive your spouse?    Last year Pope Francis in his Sunday Angelus, said, "the “joy of God” is ultimately found in pardoning another for his wrongdoing, just as in the parable of the Prodigal Son...What is the joy of God? It is to forgive!”.  In forgiveness, in this teaching “is the whole Gospel, it is all of Christianity!”  Forgiveness, he warned, “is not a sentiment – it is not 'feeling good' – on the contrary, mercy is the true force that can save man and the world from the cancer that is sin, bad morality or bad spirituality.  Only love fills up the emptiness, the negative chasms that evil opens in hearts and in history.”  Pope Francis encouraged “Everyone in silence think of someone with whom things aren’t going well: someone we are angry at, someone we don’t wish well. Think of this person, and in silence in this moment let’s pray for this person and become merciful towards this person.”  So we recognize there are some serious things to forgive, and we remember the words in the Our Father.  "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us".  These words are so hard to live out to completion, especially when our temperament, personality, and life experiences pushes us to do otherwise.  So what can we do when faced with otherwise unforgivable things?

Prayer!

  This should be our first resort, not our last.  We can only live out forgiveness if we're bolstered in prayer.  Prayer not just for ourselves, but for the other person(s).  Whoever has been involved in our hurt.  We're not merely asked to forgive, we're commanded to forgive.  As the father forgave the prodigal son, as God has forgiven us from the cross.  We all have received the mercy and forgiveness of God, from the moment we sinned, we cannot do less.  St. Paul said, " Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ Forgave you.”Ephesians 4:31-32  Mercy, peace, and hope will never penetrate our hearts of stone, they must be softened though forgiveness first.  Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight.  Pray for the person who's hurt you.  Pray that you may accept and feel God's forgiveness for our own faults.  We just need to ask.

Realizing What Forgiveness is!

  As Pope Francis noted, forgiveness is not an emotion, but an act of the will.  Forgiveness doesn't mean you'll all of a sudden be filled with rosy feelings.  You may still hurt, you'll always remember, but you are choosing to free yourself of the pain and burden of holding onto anger, resentment, and turmoil.  You are are offering everything up to God and letting go, freeing yourself, and also freeing the other person to make things right.  Now, that doesn't mean just because you forgive a person or a hurt, they will all of a sudden realize what they have done.  They may never repent, and while it's sad, their making it right is not what forgiveness is.  That is reconciliation.  While that is the ultimate goal for all of us, to forgive or be forgiven, and make it right, reconciliation is not necessary to forgive.    If we desire to become like Christ, then as Christ forgave the very men who nailed him to the cross, we must also forgive.  "For there are three ways of performing an act of mercy: the merciful word, by forgiving and by comforting; secondly, if you can offer no word, then pray - that too is mercy; and thirdly, deeds of mercy. And when the Last Day comes, we shall be judged from this, and on this basis we shall receive the eternal verdict."  Saint Faustina Kowalska

Letting Go of the Hurt!

  Letting go of the pain so you can forgive is so very difficult.  It can be hard, especially if the hurt is deep, but don't fixate on the person who hurt you.  If you are having difficulty forgiving yourself, and your self talk is negative and hateful, nip it in the bud.  Ask Christ the divine healer and physician to take these thoughts away from you.  Focus on something else.  Go for a walk.  Make a trip to adoration.  Journal your feelings on paper and then give them over to God.  If you can't let go of the pain, that pain will eat you alive and you'll be bitter and depressed.  God, as your heavenly Father, loves you and only wants what is good for you.  Resentment and hate are like cancers that eat away at our souls.  Remember, oh please remember, we are all sinners.  It's so easy for any one of us to think we'd make a different decision, or never would treat others that way.  In reality, we all come from different places, different family dynamics, and different levels of spiritual maturity.  We should never get caught in the trap of, "But I would never!".  It's dangerous ground.  Sure, you say, it's easy for offenses that happen every so often, but what of those that are constantly happening over and over.  What then?  Well, I say, no it's not easy, and it will test your will like nothing else will.  To be able to say, "Lord, I am being hurt time and time again, please forgive that person for me and through me because I am in so much pain I can't do it myself right now".  Remember forgiveness isn't about excusing your own actions or someone else's actions.  It's about letting go and giving to God something that he freely and lovingly gives to us.  If we make it a habit it will change our lives and perhaps even the lives of the people around us.  I want to share with you something powerful, something that has the potential to change your life. 

A Litany for our Deepest Hurts 

Leader:Because there are pains that do not heal as physical pain does with time, surgery, or medication, we are engaged in this spiritual covenant in anticipation – now or soon – of eventual healing of our spirits.

Response:I accept and enter this covenant as if I were beginning a brand new journey in life.

Leader:The deeper the hurt, the longer the journey, whether in minutes, hours or days, to that healing destination  brought about by forgiveness and release.

Response:I promise to move in that direction.  I may not move as fast as you think I should, but today or daily I will release and surrender either all or some part of this cumbersome weight.

Leader:These hurts have many names such as bushwhacked, waylaid, back-stabbed, slandered, deceived, etc., and none hurt like that received from a perceived friend.

Response:I will cease giving it a name and simply reject anything in my mind and spirit that is counterproductive to what God has planned for me.

Leader:Ceasing to dwell on this matter is not a matter of weakness, for it will free your time and mind.  Therefore, if  you are willing to stop looking back and instead face a forward direction, then our mighty God will be better  able to bless and direct a forward-moving life.

Response:Because I know you are right, I hereby give up to God my so-called “rights” I have attached to my hurts,  knowing He will deal with those involved while also leading me “in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.”

   Forgiveness is something that can change your life.  It's not a once and done.  It takes a lifetime to live out.  It's a journey, and no, God knows we're not going to be perfect.  He knows we're going to fall.  What matters is that we pick ourselves up, shake off the dust, and try again.  It's when we constantly seek to know and love God, that we will be able to know and love ourselves.  When we see Christ reflected in others or ourselves we'll be able to experience the love he wants to shower on us.  It's always our own selves blocking the peace, love, and hope that God wants for us.  We need to be able to forgive, even the most horrific offenses that we've committed or others have committed to be able to experience the "Joy of God", as Pope Francis so beautifully stated.   

~Force yourself, if necessary, always to forgive those who offend you, from the very first moment. For the greatest injury or offence that you can suffer from them is as nothing compared with what God has pardoned you”.~  St. Josemarie Escriva

  

Life is an experience, not a race

  The home school year is so hectic for us, that I was really looking forward to a lot of at home days this summer.  Trying to tame the chaos around the house that creeps forward in an unrelenting tide. Not having somewhere to drive or some appointment to meet almost every day of the week.  The first week of July is about to come to a close and I might actually be more stressed out than during the school year.  I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the stress I'm feeling is because my life has become about checking that next thing off my list instead of experiencing every moment, every day, as something unique to be cherished.  Today is done and I can check tasks off my list, but how much of it was I actually present for?  
     I am besieged by guilt every time I say, "No, I can't read a book to you now honey, I have to do the dishes", "No, I don't feel like playing with you just right now I need to sweep the floor the umpteenth time today".  Taking care of the home is important, don't get me wrong.  We've all got to have clean clothes, clean dishes, and some semblance of order.  I've just been realizing lately that there are just not enough hours in the day to be and do everything I need.  I can't have a spotless house at the expense of my family.  I can't home educate to the exclusion of all else.  I can't be so totally focused on the family that the house goes by the wayside.  Never mind finding time to squeeze in for me, just me.
   It's so easy to feel like a failure by the end of the day.  We place the bar so high and there simply isn't enough hours in the day to do and be everything we think we should.  We tell ourselves if only we were better organizers, or more patient, or more of this, more of that, then surely we would be better wives, better mothers, better home educators, better at our careers.  We have our long lists of things that must get done and berate ourselves when hardly anything at all gets accomplished by the end of the day.  So inevitably, we go to bed adding all the things undone from today to our already long list for tomorrow.  Is it any wonder we walk around tired, stressed, and constant worry warts?  Does He want us to live out life this way?  I hardly think so. 
  So what are we supposed to do?  I think most importantly we can give our day to Christ.  The beginning of our day and the end of our day.  The beginning so that we're not trying to plod through it under solely our own power.  The end so that we can give everything to him.  Everything done and not done, our heavy burden handed over to him to carry and dispose of at his will.  This all so we can wake refreshed and start the next day anew.  Let us also not forget to rest in Mother Mary's arms.  Our heavenly Mother can carry us when we can no longer carry ourselves.  There are some other things we can do to nourish and fill ourselves.  I mean, how can we give and give and give if we are not constantly filling ourselves.  It just doesn't work.  It's also not how God wants us to live our lives.  Some important things to do every day:
Do something for yourself
1. Emotionally
2. Something spiritually
3. Something physically
4. Something mentally

  Emotionally we must fill ourselves every day.  It's next to impossible to be fully present and loving if our emotional tanks are empty.   I think one of the simplest things you can do is find out your love language.  How do you experience  and feel loved?  It's probably not the same way your spouse or kids feel and experience love.  Knowing what your love language is can help your spouse and others fill your tank so you can more easily give of yourself to others.  Another good trait to know about yourself is your temperament.  Your temperament colors your whole perspective on life, and also how we communicate.  Does going on a walk help to replenish your reserves?  Do it!  Sure ideally it would be alone, but if you're like me and you can't, go with your kids.  It'll boost everyone's mood.  Do you need a cup of coffee in the morning before you can utter a word?  Trust me, you're in good company.  Fill yourself emotionally, it's important.
  Our spiritual life so important.  Prayer is the living relationship we have with God.  If we don't go a day without communicating with our family and friends, then neither should we go that long without conversing with God.  Prayer doesn't help God to know us better.  He is already the author of all our days.  Prayer helps us get to know Him better.  By knowing God better, we can also know ourselves better.  Prayer helps to fortify us against the daily storms of life.  Storms are going to come, but we'll feel a lot better if we have an anchor that holds us fast instead of being tossed about, becoming battered and beaten down.  Prayer, the Sacraments, Adoration, Holy Mass, these are our spiritual food.
  Our physical bodies very much influence how we feel about everything else.  I used to be to athletic.  I swam competitively till I was 18,  played lacrosse in college, and trail running was a favorite pastime.  Long gone are those days and the size 9 fit and healthy body that went with it.  Undiagnosed hypothyroidism, PCOS, knee surgery, and yo-yo dieting totally wrecked my metabolism.  Four kids and not much in the way of intense exercise later and I feel totally unmotivated to do much in the way of physical exercise.  Walk, we can all walk.  Studies show that even just 10 minutes of exercise can help lift our mood.  So join me and get up and get out.
  Being mentally stimulated is so necessary, especially if you're at home with young kids all day.  When I start using the grammar of my four year old and I without even thinking, ask my husband if he's gone potty before we leave the house, I know it's time to start re-entering the adult world.  Don't turn down a Mom's Night Out.  Call a friend to make a play date.  Seriously, we all know play dates are really for Mom's anyway.  The kids can play and the mom's can have some adult conversation.  Make a wish list of some books that you think you'd be interested in.  Try to find subjects that stimulate and inspire you.  Don't think you have time to read?  10 minutes.  Read a good book for 10 minutes a day.  It's really hard at first,  your brain needs a little retraining and stretching.  If you can swing it, maybe take that painting class you've always wanted.  Take up the hobby you've been meaning to try.  Remember, you were you long before you were a wife or mother.  
  Remember, Jesus in all his wisdom said," Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil".  Matthew 6:34  To worry is to be human.  God invites us to lay his worry on him.  He shows us how, by trusting in his love and mercy, our burdens are made so much lighter to bare.  Cherish every moment.  Even the bad moments.  We are on this earth for such a short time.  We're not meant to race through life.  We are called to experience the wonder, beauty, and soul that fills this earth.  When we're called home to the Lord are we going to remember that spotless house, the balance of our banking account, the nice car we drove, the hours put in at the office, the fact that we actually finished an entire years worth of curriculum?  No.  We're going to remember the smile on our daughters face when she was four.  The frog our son caught with his own hands.  The time your spouse surprised you with flowers and a night out.  Our relationships are what is going to matter.  Are we so busy accomplishing things every day that me miss everything else?  Life is meant to be experienced friends, not raced through in frantic worry.  So stop yourself, slow down, and drink in the sweetness.  It's all around you.
 
 

Do kids really need Incentives for doing well in sports and school?

~The reward for a thing well done, is to have done it~ 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

     We all like to receive recognition for our hard work.  Yeah, sometimes even I need to dangle a carrot or two to motivate me.  How much is too much?  I mean, when kids grow up and head out into the work world, sometimes the only reward for hard work is a paycheck and they need that to live.  Should kids expect a reward for everything they do?  Shouldn't the success that comes on the heels of hard work be reward enough?  Reward systems are a personal decision for every family, and what works for one might not work for another.

~The reason a lot of people do not recognize opportunity is because

it usually goes around wearing overalls looking like hard work~

Thomas A. Edison

     Incentives and rewards for kids are hugely popular today.  While I don't think giving rewards for hard work is necessarily bad, I think the reward system can take on a life of it's own if parents aren't careful.  Giving rewards can be effective but often times those ever resourceful kiddos try to up the ante by looking for bigger or more substantial rewards at time goes on.   

~Nothing ever comes to one, that is worth having, except as a result of hard work~

Booker T. Washington

     I struggle with the whole notion of extrinsic motivation vs intrinsic motivation.  I really want my kids to do the right thing and work hard to master something because it comes from the inside, not an external reward.  So much of hard work is failing 100 times to succeed on the 101st time.  If  kids are used to getting gratification for every good thing they do, what lessons can failure teach?  On the flip side of the coin, however, especially with younger kids, putting that sticker on a chart or promising a trip to the park for doing x,y,z, can really help to motivate those little monkeys. 

~Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goals: my strength lies solely in my tenacity~ 

Louis Pasteur

     Reward systems can be good ways to teach kids that things can be earned and worked for.   I, personally, give money earned for chores done over and above what's normally expected of them.  I don't mind taking the kids out for an ice cream cone on the way home from a sporting event whether their team wins or looses, or promising a trip to the pool if everyone works hard to get their schooling done in a  given week.  I'm not sure there is a total right answer to this one.  Luckily, especially with parenting, we have the luxury to change our minds and set new boundaries and goals for our families.  We're all changing and in a constant state of flux, so what works at age 4 isn't necessarily going to work at 8.  I think it's up to all of us to prayerfully decide what is the best way to shepherd our domestic flock.  We all have different circumstances and temperaments, and we all have children with different needs and temperaments.  Sometimes, I really think merely speaking your child's love language is the best motivator of all.

~The family, as the fundamental and essential educating community, is the privileged means for transmitting the religious and cultural values which help the person to acquire his or her own identity. Founded on love and open to the gift of life, the family contains in itself the very future of society; its most special task is to contribute effectively to a future of peace.~

John Paul II